I've looked for her, of course . . . never found her. All the places I know to look are taken already by people who aren't her. (no, they're not her. I would recognize her. none of them are her writing style.) She could find me trivially, though, I've used this nickname for years, she knows it . . . sheesh, I've even given her the URL. And yet and yet and yet she's never posted a single reply, never sent off a message to let me know that she's still around, and if she reads this then she would know full well that I care about her. I even asked her to read this . . . what does that say?
I don't know.
(it's time to stop beating myself up over this . . . it has been for months . . . I just wish I knew how.)
(I just wish I knew.)
(and a lot of me just wishes I knew she cared about me at all anymore . . . because at least that would mean I didn't hurt her that badly? no. just because that's what I wish.)