of course, I'll still try. I'll always try. I just have no hope anymore. Things will not get better. I've been telling myself it'll get better for upwards of three years . . . and every time I think I've got it, every time I think I've got a handle on a situation and everything's going to be OK, it gets ripped out from under me. Every single time. I give up. Murphy, you win.
which doesn't mean I won't keep fighting. I'll fight even if I know the outcome beforehand, just so I can say I didn't give up. But there's no point in hoping anymore.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to those I won't be with at Oberlin, and I'm sorry to those who will try to catch me and find they can't anymore. I'm sorry to all those who trusted me for things I couldn't manage. I wish I could be better. I wish I could do better.
I can't. That's the cold solid fact. I can help others. I can make things to help others. I know I can do that. So that's what I'll do.
don't worry. Soon I'll hit bottom, and then at least I can't fall any farther.
(and no. this is real. I have no hope left.)