Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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so I'm talking with someone online, and . . . sigh. brief history. Back when I was alone . . . she really liked me, and wanted to be with me, but something was wrong, and I couldn't - but I didn't tell her that as fast as I could have, and I hurt her, and I could have avoided it. And I decided to just stay away in case I hurt her again, and the next day she found me online and started a conversation, and I let myself be friends with her again. You'd think I'd trust my judgement more.

And then I hurt her again because I had to tell her I had a gf, and she stopped talking to me for a while, and then started talking to me again and was friends again, and I liked that. I always wanted to be friends with her . . .

And then my gf broke up with me, and I felt I had to tell her that, and she started really wanting to go out with me, and again, I didn't tell her soon enough, and hurt her again.

And now I finally talked to her again, and, yeah, I hurt her too much, and broke her trust, and she doesn't think anything could bring it back to the way it was. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

And all I want to do is tell her, I could have loved you, in some ways I did, I never never never never wanted to hurt you, I wanted to be with you I just wasn't ready. But I can't. Because that would hurt her again.

So it goes.

> I'll talk, and I dont mind talking
> but mistakes dont go away

yeah . . . I've learned that too many times recently. Far too many times.

And I find myself thinking, is this how it's always going to be? The next person I really care about, who cares about me . . . am I going to destroy their trust also, in trying to do what's best for them? Am I going to be stuck again with them telling me it can never be the same around them?

And I know it's not, that someday it won't work that way, and I also know that someday it will work that way again, and I won't be expecting it, and it'll hit me just as hard or harder, because I won't be expecting it. It'll be this all over again.

So it goes.

(I'm so sorry, Jean . . . you'll almost certainly never see this, but I just have to say it somewhere, even if you'll never see it . . . I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.)

yeah . . . so it goes.
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