Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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Welcome to the first Guide to Zorba's Paranoia! If you've ever wanted to know just how to tap into Zorba's deepest fears and regrets, this is for you. Today we've got two tips guaranteed to leave him depressed and confused. While admittedly these tips work best if you're a girl he cares about deeply and has a limited amount of time with, with a little creativity you ought to be able to modify them for just about any situation. And, of course, we'll give you more tips in each issue!

Step 1: The Week of Hope

So far he's never had much variety with this one, so we haven't had an opportunity to look at variations. But here's the general idea.

First, get him into a situation where he wants to spend time with you. Then, don't let him! It's just that simple!

Obviously this won't be nearly as effective without some embellishments. That alone won't do very much. So here's a few things we recommend.

  • Vague promises.

    The vaguer, the better. The trick is that you have to be able to technically keep them without actually spending meaningful time with him. We recommend phrases like "I'm just too busy", or "There's a lot going on in my life right now." Of course, those work best if you can back them up - finals week is perfect for this! (Not only that, but you get to tap into the emotional energy of not just one, but *two* seperate cases where this happened before!)

  • Spending time without actually spending time.

    To get the most out of this one you have to realize how your average Zorba thinks. When he wants to "spend time with you", he *really* means that he wants to *talk* to you, and he wants attention also. He's going for more of a one-on-one talk than a group discussion. But note that unless *you* mention whether it's going to involve other people, he's not going to think about it!

  • Showing just how important he isn't.

    This one's even easier! Just prioritize talking with *other* people above talking with *him*. This can be done beautifully with the above two suggestions - not only can you make it very clear that your "business" is spending time with other people, but when you *do* get around to talking to him, be sure you only do it when there are other people around. He'll be uncertain and lonely. As an added bonus, he won't confront you on it because he won't want to embarrass you in front of your friends!

  • Life-altering experiences.

    Make comments to him about how many changes you're going through. This is effective in more than one way. For one thing, it indicates that you're turning into a different person - a different person that he wants to get to know, and of course, that involves - guess what - spending time with you! And second, it shows that you're changing *without him*. No inferiority complex is big enough that it can't be improved upon, so demonstrate at every opportunity that you don't need him around to change your life!

And whatever you do, make sure you act like you really want to be with him. As long as he thinks you care about him, he'll be devoted to you, and we all know how much devotion makes this sort of thing easier!

Step 2: The Week of Loss

Now, you can do one of these without the other, but it'll be much more effective in combo. This one is pretty simple also - just make it so he wants to talk to you (doing step 1 will work beautifully), then don't talk to him!

No emotional attack would be complete without a list of variations, though . . .

  • Active avoidance.

    Instead of just not talking to him, get him into a position where he *thinks* he'll be able to talk to you, then leave. Online communication is perfect for this - just log on and wait. He'll send you a message quickly - after all, he's probably got you on logon notify at this point - and as soon as he does, log off. He'll be left wondering whether you got his message before you left or not. He won't know whether to be annoyed at you next time, and whether he chooses to grumble or not, you can pretend like he chose wrong!

  • Making him worry.

    To add a little spice to the mix, make sure you're in a situation where he doesn't know you're safe. Worry makes the world go round! If he can't get in contact with you, not only is he going to have to deal with his own pain, he's going to have to handle the fear that you're not safe. Better yet, if you can get him thinking that you might hate him, he's going to start worrying that he'll never even know!

  • Frequent updates - from other sources.

    While it can be a little tough to pull off if you want to keep him worried about you, if you can make sure to contact everyone *but* him and get them to tell him what's going on, it'll make him even more certain you're avoiding him. It doesn't even matter what it is (although it helps if you can make it clear how much fun you're having without him around) - if he knows you can contact *somebody*, he'll be certain you're trying not to contact him!

With these tips, we guarantee you can reduce him into near-paralysis in just a few short days. Make sure to check next issue for more hot tips, and if you've got any ideas of your own, we'd love to hear them!
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