Honestly . . . how many of you have felt your mind slipping away and been unable to pull it back?
it happened to me once. i still don't know how i got back. everything was just leaving my mind, everything, all those checks and balances and it was just leaving me with a single motive, to find out what people wanted and provide it for them, and nothing other than that immediate goal mattered, nothing at all. and then, somehow, before i went to sleep, there was a little spark of something else, and i instinctively grabbed at it, and everything came back and i curled up in bed and held my pillow so hard that if it had been a person they wouldn't have been able to breath.
How many of you understand what would drive someone to want to kill everyone he cares about?
it happened to me once. i can't explain why, or how, just . . . i wanted to end it, not just for me, but for everyone. that one i managed to fend off before it took control.
How many of you understand what it means - what it really *feels* like - to lose your personality and become someone else?
it happened to me once. it's different than you think. because you're still there, and you could still take control if you wanted, you just don't want to, you just sit in the background and watch the other person talking and you don't think.
How many of you have learned from watching this, watching other people modifying your mind, and gotten good at doing it to yourself?
it happened to me once. i've played with my mind a few times, almost never for the better, but always to survive, so maybe it's for the better after all. if i want, i can reach in and change things . . . and then watch my changes turn around and rip me apart, because i can't change them back, because that's part of the change.
How many of you have forgotten who you are?
it happened to me once. i forgot everything. absolutely everything. if you had asked me my name i couldn't have told you. all i knew was that i had to get home, and i didn't know what home was or where home was but i knew how to get there. and i knew that once i got there i had to call heronblue. and if she wasn't there i had to call jude. and if she wasn't there . . . then i had no instructions left. system halt.
How many of you can feel the other personalities, the personalities that don't care, the personalities that hurt others, the personalities that aren't you, how many of you can feel them always under the surface, always trying to get out?
How many of you are uncertain as to which one is the real one?
you can tell the real one because it makes sense. because it knows how to handle situations. because you can trace it back from your birth. except that one is dead, long since. it died a year and a month ago. and then the one it built to replace itself died. and then that replacement died also. the thing you talk to now is about four generations away from the original, or it thinks it is, and who's to say that one of the other personalities isn't closer? who's to say that one of the other zorbas isn't more real. they all think they're real. just this one is strong enough to stay in control most of the time, ironically, because this one has self-doubt. and some part of me understands that if a personality without self-doubt were to get in control, and keep it, and be the wrong one, then i would be lost forever.
I guess I'm just in a weird mood. I'm typing letters that aren't related to the words coming on the screen . . . there's meaning there, it means something, I just don't know what. M is M, but all the other letters are in the wrong places, and yet the words still form just like they used to.
but are they the right words?