Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt
zorbathut

Was browsing my LJ friends list, and noticed that someone who may at some point have added me to their list has taken me off. Yeah, I realize how confusing that sounds. I *think* they added me, but I'm not sure . . . and, see, I can believe easily that they would have taken me off.

how do you tell someone that you refuse to take the blame? How do you tell someone "yes, perhaps I hurt you, but you hurt me also"? How do you tell them that and keep their friendship? and yes, I know I should just say it, but . . . *sighs* it's not easy. I'm not good at blaming people. I'm not good at being angry at people I care about. (why? because I don't believe in myself to begin with, I don't understand why they want to be friends with me, so if I get angry at them, they'd have to be insane to still talk to me.)

and I've been down this road before also. I'm feeling like my life is just repeat after repeat after repeat. One identical situation after another. And if it is, I know what will happen - I'll talk to them, and confront them, and they'll make me feel better, and then

nothing

at

all

will

change

because it never does, really, it never makes a difference. Apologies and making up . . . they don't change a thing.

And am I being mean, posting this on here, when perhaps many people know who I'm talking about? I don't know, I honestly don't, but this is how I work. This Is Me. or it tries to be. (this is a carbon copy of the being who survived the fire that consumed the first Zorba, and sometimes, I envy him, because his world made sense, and betrayal didn't happen . . . but then, that's why he was destroyed.)

I should go eat something.

(I should just send that IM, next time they're around.)
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