Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

I'm a hypocrite.

No, hear me out.

A good number of you have, at one point, said something like "you can't help me" or "I'm not savable". Basically saying "leave me to crash and burn, there's nothing you can do, people have tried and every one has failed". And to every one of them I said "that's too bad, I'm going to help you anyway".

And I have. There are a lot of you who I managed to grab onto and drag out of the pit bodily.

and yet and yet.

I say the same thing now. I don't think I'm savable. I think I'm too far gone . . . all there is left is the endgame. all there is left is to blaze out as brightly as I can and not take anyone with me.

And people say that they won't let me. that I can still be saved.

only I don't believe them.

Because there's this fundamental difference somewhere along the way . . . that I know what I've gone through. that I see all the damage, all the traps, or rather, that I don't - that I see a lot of them and know there are even more I haven't seen. that I can say perfectly factually to someone "I already know I'm going to be basically helpless during December and next January". Because I do. I will. That's when everything always goes wrong in certain ways, and if it happens again next year, I might not survive it.

I can see every single scar and wound and explain why it's just too much.

Only so could they . . . but. well. this is me. and I Know.

so, yeah. I'm a hypocrite.
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