i'm sorry. i'm sorry to you and you and you and you and i know who i'm thinking of but i can't put it into words. i'm sorry that i asked to stay on your friends list because i'll hurt you somehow (like i did before and before). i'd take you off now if i could remember who it was but i can't think of how to find and if i took off people who i thought it might be i might hurt people. though maybe that would be better? if i didn't have a chance to hurt them later. i don't know.
and this is the same thing. this is asking too much and wanting too much because some part of me is hoping that someone will pull me out. but that's just relying on someone else also. and that's where it all begins. that's where it starts and it ends with her and her friends deciding they don't want to talk to me anymore and it ends with me saying that they know where to reach me if they ever want to talk again and of course they don't because it's me.
so maybe i shouldn't post this but then i'd be breaking promises and that would hurt others but i can't hurt others so i should just leave them but that would hurt others also so what can i do that won't hurt people? because that's all i care about and that's all i did care about and yet i seem to screw it up every single time or do i, i don't know i don't know. how many times have i done good that i can really be certain of? how many times have i done harm that i can really be certain of? i don't know. i never know. because if i knew i was doing good maybe i'd be satisfied with that? and if i knew i was doing harm that would be the end.
and it's funny that you still have me on your friends list, because i know how your friends feel about me, because they told me, and she took me off, and he took me off, so why do you still have me on? and why do you and you and you? because i hurt her. it's all true. it must be true. it couldn't be false, all the people who were there say it's true. so i hurt her. and i hurt the other her also, because she said i did and she was there and he was there and she told him everything (and i thought she was telling me everything, but i also thought the other she was telling me everything and she wasn't, so i must not be the right person to be told things, it all comes together at last.)
and nobody will understand this except maybe you, and you keep telling me i'm good and that i helped you and that you miss me . . . but . . . it's just a matter of time. it is. don't let me hurt you also. please. push me away if that's what's needed and it'll be better for you and that means it'll be better for me because i won't have hurt you.
and now maybe i'm hurting you also because you can't help me but i said you wouldn't be able to because it's me and it's gone too far and it's all gone too far all over again and i can't get out i'm trapped again. and my lightning isn't black. it just isn't. it's all come apart again.
i'm fading. i'm scared.
i can't post this until i leave. or maybe that should be that i can't post this when i leave? because people shouldn't think they can rescue me because it'll just hurt them. but they shouldn't feel like they can't get in contact. or maybe that should be i can't post this. but then people would ask me how are you and i'd have to answer or lie and i said i wouldn't lie.
earlier today somebody said that he had suffered depression but he didn't so much anymore and i said he was lucky and he said he didn't think i knew what depression was. i forget what the point of this was.
i want to ask her something but i can't make the words fit the shape. i'm trying to say something like when i come out and am ready again always have been there for me and i'll be wonderful for you though i can't. it comes out contradicting.
i can't raise my hands above the keys and so the edges are making dents in my fingers and i can't decide if it hurts or not. if it does then i shouldn't be doing it. i can't remember what hurts means though.
i say i'm sorry and i'm not sure what it means anymore. am i sorry for being weak or sorry for being sad or sorry for not being what she wants or needs or just sorry for being sorry or something else?
i don't know what i should do. it's all rainbow fragments ground into dust and heaped into shifting piles that make me lose my balance. i can't expect help because that would be imposing myself on people and i can't survive on my own because i'm not strong enough and i can't tell people that i'll fail because that would hurt them.
i can't break my promises. but i can't betray. and i can't lie. and all that would be easy if i could hurt people. but i can't.
i don't know what to do.
if you don't want to deal please please please tell me and i'll take you off and never bother you again i promise i promise i promise. i am not worth it. it's just me. and if i hurt you tell me and if i'm going to hurt you tell me and i won't do whatever it is or i'll try not to and if you have to push me away do it. and if you think i'm manipulating or you think i'm just trying to get responses then tell me and take me off your list and don't look at my journal again because you shouldn't have to deal with me if you don't want to. only what if that last line makes you think i'm manipulating? only what if i am manipulating? i don't know. i'm not trying to. i'm really not. i'm sorry.
i'm so sorry.