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Saturday, January 13th, 2001
5:09a
I remember a year ago, off to a friend's
off to borrow a foam sword, for reasons that need not be explained.
I remember walking in the door, and saying hi to people
(yet another of those spontaneous gatherings
that seem to occur every week or so with my friends)
and I remember seeing her, sitting in the corner.
I didn't know her then.
But I remember her.

That's where it all began, that's where it started.

A week later, at a convention, she was there too. Our first real conversations -
wandering around Southcenter in the dark,
looking for a place to eat.
I remember Andrew thought he was faster than I
and that I couldn't poke him with the sword and get it away from him before he could grab it.
I remember I proved him wrong, over and over
and over, and over.
Memory is a funny thing.

I suppose you could say it started then also.

A few months later, I met her online
and talked
    and talked
        and talked.
The first person I'd ever been able to talk to about anything.
And a month after that, I went to her house
and spent half a day watching an anime series with her.
And after that, we spent hours talking about things we'd never told anyone.

And I fell in love.

That's when it really started.

And I had problems, and she had problems . . . and she helped me, and I tried to help her.
And we had our ups, and our downs, and she was incredible, I mean truly incredible.
She was smart, she was funny, she was sensitive, she was everything I had ever wanted
she was everything I had ever dreamed of.
And we stayed together, somehow, in love, for half a year.

The first person I loved, the first person I wanted to be with . . .
. . . half a year isn't bad.

But I couldn't help her.
I did what I could
and I held on when she wanted me
and I left when she wanted to be alone
or I thought I did.

I couldn't help her.

And now, she's in Hawaii, with someone who did help her
and she doesn't love me anymore
and she doesn't want to talk to me now
and she broke up with me a few days ago
and, and, and . . .

and I still love her, more than anything, more than life, more than sanity.

And I know that will fade.



I guess that's all I have to say.


current mood: lonely

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