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Friday, February 9th, 2001
1:25a
Why is the world like this? Why are acts of love and devotion rewarded by betrayal? Every day it happens - someone willing to sacrifice his or her life, sanity, wealth, whatever. And the sacrifice is taken, and the person abandoned. And people change, too - you spend every minute you can with someone, you get to know them as well as any human can know another - then, in an instant, the person changes, to someone you've never met before. And you still love them, but you love the old them, before the change . . . and the old them can never come back, because it doesn't exist anymore.

And eventually you forget about the old them, and it's as if they never existed in the first place . . . so just why is it like this? Why can't people live in happiness forever, once they find it? I mean . . . I don't know, I'm not saying things shouldn't happen, that life should just be perfect . . . but what is the sense of having true happiness torn from your grasp?

It just seems . . . pointless.

There's an RPG I know . . . one of the main characters had her family torn from her at an early age. Years later, her mind is stuck there, and you travel back in time to save her and bring her back to the present. She asks the player, why did this happen? My home, my friends . . . why were they destroyed? Will you leave me also? Can't you stay with me forever? The player has a response choice . . . "I'm sorry..." or "I'll never leave you!"

I've seen this scene twice now, once myself and once a friend playing. We both chose the second option. For a minute, she believes you . . . then the energy holding you back in time dissipates, and you vanish. Leaving her alone, again . . .

That's what happened to me . . . I was alone, but I'd never been not-alone. I'd never found someone to truly speak to, never found someone to talk to about anything and know they'd understand, never found someone I could cry in the arms of and not feel embarrassed, or ashamed. And then I found someone.

"And now what will happen? Will you leave me also? Can't you stay with me forever?"
"I'll never leave you. I'll always love you."

And then, of course . . . she used me and abused our relationship, then cast me aside once I couldn't help her anymore, uncaring of what it put me through.

For a minute, I believed her . . .

and now, I'm alone again.


I don't know whether it hurt her at all. During the time I was desperately calling her up to find out whether she cared or not, she was told that she was "under a lot of stress", which is why she couldn't talk to me. Then again, I can easily see that occuring from the situation . . . and saying that I was "under a lot of stress" is like saying "you know, there are a lot of atoms in the universe."

So, did she care? I don't know . . . maybe she didn't realize how much it was hurting me? (but if she thought about it at all, or cared to think about it at all, she would have realized.) Maybe she was under more pain than I was? (it certainly didn't sound like it - she wasn't the one nearly breaking into tears at the sound of the others's voice.) Maybe she considered her pain far more important than mine? (. . . but she loved me . . .)

. . . maybe she just didn't care . . .

I think it's the last one.

In some ways, I guess this sounds like I'm trying to blame this on her . . . but I'm not. I mean . . . she said this was really the best for her, and I did say that if it was best for her that she should find someone else. (She reciprocated evenly on that one.) And she *was* in a rather nasty situation with family. And I suppose I was begging for attention a bit much . . .

but I needed to be with her - *needed* to be, I was tearing myself to shreds trying to help her.

And she didn't have to make it so painful . . . she didn't have to wait for a week and a half, with me desperately trying to get ahold of her just to find out if she cared at all anymore.

I guess I answered that in the end . . .

she still says she loves me, and in some deep way I suppose I love her also still. But - I will never trust her enough to let her do something like this again. Ever.

No, that's not quite true - it could happen . . . it's just virtually certain that it won't.

The part that worries me . . . will I be able to trust anyone again? I trusted her completely. She never told even the remotest falsehood, she went out of her way to fill even the slightest "yeah, sure, I'll do that" 'commitments'. And she told me she'd never lie to me, ever, or break a promise - and that *that* was a promise. And she promised me that there was nothing to fear, that she'd still be with me, that she'd love me, that I had no reason to worry about her leaving . . .

. . . which is, I suppose, rather ironic, since one of the complaints she had with me is that I'd (completely honestly) told her that there *were* things - very very rare things - that could cause me to break a promise to her. Or lie to her. And that it was also possible that I'd have to hide that from her in the future, even though it would nearly destroy me.

I never told even the slightest falsehood to her . . . and she shattered her most important promises.

Sometimes I just don't want to live in this universe anymore . . . the two people in the game I referred to found each other again, and, in theory, re-fell in love . . . but she'll never want to be with me again, and I'll never be able to trust her enough to be with her again.

So I look for someone else . . . but all I can see is, "this person wouldn't understand **** . . . but she did . . ."


current mood: melancholy/lonely

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