|Monday, February 19th, 2001|
What still bugs me about the relationship . . .
1) Murphy. One week earlier or later and things would have been fine. For once, I thought my luck was doing *well* - I only got her to begin with due to total random luck. I suppose it figures that I'd lose her for the same reason.
2) Forgiving. Namely, she doesn't. After we talk it out, and figure out what *really* happened, both of our reactions make sense, and I can forgive her because I know what she was going through. And she doesn't forgive me. Why? Because, yes, I hurt her, I wasn't completely there for her when she needed me. Then again, neither was she - she hurt me too. And I was always willing to hear an explanation, and I wasn't going to judge her until I knew what had happened from *her* side. The converse was not true.
3) Explanations. What I mentioned up there - yes, they're kinda intertwined. I was willing to hear her side of it before doing anything - if she simply hadn't thought of me, yes, I might have broken up with her. But I didn't think she was, I thought she really *did* need me for something, though after two weeks it seems pretty unlikely. But I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt.
sigh. back to the drawing board, so to speak.
current mood: resigned
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and the last reason I just remembered . . . which is, yes, she didn't say "I promise". She may have meant "I won't break up with you due to leaving for Hawaii", which technically is true. She may have had no intention of leaving me at all.
But when it all comes down to it . . . she said she wouldn't leave me. She said it very definitely and at a time when I clearly needed to hear it with total certainty. And she left me.
I don't want this to turn into me-badmouthing-my-ex, so I'll try to not do so. But, still . . . I loved her, we were going to be together forever, and she hurt me and dumped me, then tried to blame it on me. And doesn't forgive me, despite me forgiving (okay, almost forgiving) her.
On another note, Joe Average, a comic strip I frequent, took an interesting turn of events a few months back - note that this is a comic that has basically been characterized by Joe being beaten on, ignored, and exploited. And today's strip is so cute ^^
On yet another note, I just noticed that sarah/jude has added me to her friends list, which I have to admit, came as a bit of a surprise. I've only talked to her, what, two? three times? via LiveJournal comments, and I just plain don't expect people to consider *me* a friend that quickly. Logically, I can't imagine why I don't . . . emotionally, I dunno, it just seems, why would they want to be my friend? ah well. Guess I'm just nuts (well, okay, yes, I knew that already, but that's not the point).
I keep starting this paragraph and realizing that either it's not how I feel at all or is something I already said. Time to go do math homework. Bah, more proofs, I bet. Can't we do something simple, like, I dunno, find the reduced row echelon form of a 20x20 matrix? :P And solve it. And graph it! Oh yeah. Okay, that last one would take, um, what do you call a 20-dimensional solid? a hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-hyper-cube?
That's one hyper cube. It should probably lay off the speed.
(As this entry degenerates into inanity . . .)
current mood: besieged by homework
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why do I keep forgetting to mention this? Thanks to a good friend (hiya jenn!) I now have another pair of Crono pics, one I have named "evil" and one I have named "dashing".
I'll have to do something for her also.
Note that the previous statement is why this entry gets the "evil" pic >:)
current mood: entropic
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