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Wednesday, February 21st, 2001
10:00p
I have no idea how to start this entry, so I'll start at the beginning.

One of my friends has been needing emotional help, which, me being me, I've been providing as best as I can, of course. I don't mind in the *least*, this is something I absolutely love doing (though it'd be better if I didn't have to, but given that it's necessary, I will happily provide). But . . .

how can I know I'm helping? I mean, how can I *really* know? The last time there was someone who needed my help, who I thought was helping . . . I wasn't. Or maybe I was, I don't know that either. But after she stopped needing help, she left me saying that all I'd done was hurt her. How do I know that won't happen here? How do I know I won't be talking to her someday and she'll say, out of the blue, "oh, by the way, I realized recently that I hate you." (I may have gotten the wording wrong, but besides that, it's an actual quote.)

And I know the person I'm helping now will say that nothing like that will ever happen, that I am helping, that there's nothing to worry about . . . but that doesn't change the fact that that's exactly what I was told before. So I know my judgement is flawed here, and I know that you can't trust the person in question . . . so how do I know it won't work out the same way? How do I know that for all my good intentions, all my empathy due to going through similar things in my own life - how do I know that despite all that, I'm not doing more harm than good?

Sometimes I just want to give up and leave it to the professionals, except then I remember that the professionals aren't any better at it, and in most of the cases I've heard, worse. But . . . if I'm hurting also . . . maybe I *should* get out. I don't know. But how do I know that won't be even *worse*?

there's no way to solve this one, except muddle through as best I can and hope the same thing doesn't happen again.

Or if it does, at least hope I'll have helped out somehow before that . . .


current mood: depressed

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