|Thursday, March 15th, 2001|
4:52a - willpower and insanity
A recent reply to a recent entry of a friend's . . . makes me think. Sheer willpower. I know I have willpower. I haven't had many situations when I need it . . . if I need to, I can let logic override emotion. And I can let emotion override logic. And I don't really know how I decide which - I think there's a third major aspect, but I can't give it a name. Logic and emotion is left-brain and right-brain (no, not respectively, I don't remember which is which) so what's the balance called?
so anyway. I had this entry for a reason. Willpower and insanity. I don't know how to start this . . . I've got willpower, yeah. But . . . sometimes I don't know just how far it goes. What might I do sometime because I decide it's necessary? I don't know. And "necessary" is one of those terms that really means something to me. There's this crazy guy in my hall who talks about his pain tolerance and how he just doesn't notice - and somehow, I know that if I needed to, I could totally and utterly ignore pain. I think. I'm not entirely sure because it hasn't happened yet. But I think.
Maybe I'm just tying into a cliche - there's a standard media thing, of the wounded fighter struggling on from sheer willpower. Maybe it wouldn't work out in real life. But sometimes, when things are bad . . . it's an indescribable feeling, really, but I'll try. It feels like my hands are tingling, sometimes like they're anchoring themselves in the ground, sometimes like they're pulling energy from the earth. I think it's the same thing. And I can feel an astonishing amount of energy coursing through myself . . . and I don't know how strong I am then. That's when I make extra extra careful that if someone's said that I can hold them or simply spend time with them, that I don't accidentally hurt them. Because I can, then. I've bent metal in that state. Not much, perhaps, but a few years ago, I remember I went up to my room and had to do *something* with the energy. I found an old piece of metal from one of my computer modification adventures - a case plate removed to make room for a CD-ROM drive. Imagine a strip of metal about as big as a 5 1/4" floppy drive front (this is about 5.5"x1", maybe) and about as thick as a CD. steel. It took two hands to get it started, but then I bent it in half with my right hand. This was years ago. I'm stronger now. And that wasn't *for* anyone - that was just burning off some excess energy. I knew I didn't need it.
So what happens then? What happens when I'm using this energy for someone I care about? What happens when I know someone needs my help, and it's one of the very very very few people in the world that I'd do anything for, up to and including rip myself to pieces?
What happens then?
I don't know, actually.
There's an anime called Bakuretsu Hunters - one of the characters is named Carrot. He's a pervert. He hits on females randomly. In a rather scary way, he's a somewhat more extreme version of me.
When he gets hit with a spell, he transforms - I forget what they called this. Something-thrope. I'll go look it up. (aww jeah. forgot how much serious style this series had.) Zoanthropy. Anyway. When he gets hit with a spell, he turns into a BIG nasty monster, and basically beats down massively. And, I mean, I'm not expecting to do that exactly - but what does it sound like?
Insensitivity to pain, increased strength . . . berserker rage, likely. I don't know how well it would work . . . but that's my willpower. If something threatens someone I care about immensely . . . I'll do whatever I can to destroy it.
I don't know where this was originally going, but there's one other thing I have to think about . . . is that I don't care about *myself* so much. I've got willpower, so I know I won't be destroyed by anything mental . . . damaged, yeah, but I think I'd pull through somehow. I think. So I don't want to burden others, and I don't want to hurt others, because I know I'll survive . . .
sigh. I've lost whatever it was I was trying to say. Does anyone know? I seem to have run out of inspiration here. Maybe it's time for bed.
ah well. Nite all.
(once I watch a few seconds of this anime. heh.)
Another thing to keep in mind for the future . . . how do I turn back from berserker mode? I know how they do it in Bakuretsu Hunters, and somehow I don't think it applies to real life very well.
"Now, my cute monster, receive this whipping of love!"
wish I'd managed to make this entry more meaningful.
current mood: amused
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Looking at this intro again . . . perhaps I take too much of my selfimage from fiction. And then I look more closely and realize that, while I can empathize and, well, project with every character here (I would write some examples here, but they're so dense and fast that there's no way I could translate them into English. suffice to say that I can *feel* every single scene differently, and know how it works internally.) sigh. yet another long diversion. lemme try that again. while I can empathize and project with every character here, they're *not me*. I'm me. I can just change to any of them with a small twist of the mind, and take on some of their skills.
great, I'm turning into Gogo.
can't I say anything serious without it turning into a game or anime reference? :P
current mood: lonely
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