I feel as if I have something to say, but I can't put it into words.
Likely this time next week I'll have seen my exgf again - first time since three months. In some ways, I'd like to see her again, in some ways . . . eh. Whatever. I dunno . . . if she offered to get back together, would I?
well . . . no. not if it was just "offering", I think. Unless she actively wanted to . . . and actually knew what she'd done . . .
ah, idle speculation. Like she would want to :P
Next week shall be dull, I believe.
Meanwhile, I've got two midterms tomorrow, and one of them is a takehome that I'll be finishing at the last moment. sigh.
When my ex was here, she happened to be around when Meghan got her hair cut. It was bright pink back then. She took one of the pieces and put it in the little cone of one of the emergency lights in the hallway, and everyone just left it there.
I left it there, partially because I wanted to remember that time.
Today I just noticed that it's gone. Either someone removed it or it fell out and was vacuumed or something.
so I'm talking with someone online, and . . . sigh. brief history. Back when I was alone . . . she really liked me, and wanted to be with me, but something was wrong, and I couldn't - but I didn't tell her that as fast as I could have, and I hurt her, and I could have avoided it. And I decided to just stay away in case I hurt her again, and the next day she found me online and started a conversation, and I let myself be friends with her again. You'd think I'd trust my judgement more.
And then I hurt her again because I had to tell her I had a gf, and she stopped talking to me for a while, and then started talking to me again and was friends again, and I liked that. I always wanted to be friends with her . . .
And then my gf broke up with me, and I felt I had to tell her that, and she started really wanting to go out with me, and again, I didn't tell her soon enough, and hurt her again.
And now I finally talked to her again, and, yeah, I hurt her too much, and broke her trust, and she doesn't think anything could bring it back to the way it was. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
And all I want to do is tell her, I could have loved you, in some ways I did, I never never never never wanted to hurt you, I wanted to be with you I just wasn't ready. But I can't. Because that would hurt her again.
So it goes.
> I'll talk, and I dont mind talking > but mistakes dont go away
yeah . . . I've learned that too many times recently. Far too many times.
And I find myself thinking, is this how it's always going to be? The next person I really care about, who cares about me . . . am I going to destroy their trust also, in trying to do what's best for them? Am I going to be stuck again with them telling me it can never be the same around them?
And I know it's not, that someday it won't work that way, and I also know that someday it will work that way again, and I won't be expecting it, and it'll hit me just as hard or harder, because I won't be expecting it. It'll be this all over again.
So it goes.
(I'm so sorry, Jean . . . you'll almost certainly never see this, but I just have to say it somewhere, even if you'll never see it . . . I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.)