and maybe we're meeting, and maybe not. She seems to be busy, and . . . I don't know whether she actually *wants* to meet.
I need to go continue the yardwork.
"i mean.. i wonder if he really knows what love is.."
. . . it's just plain not fair. I would have done anything for her, I *was*! I was tearing myself apart for her then . . . I needed her, and I was trying to not let that get in my way. I was trying to help her every way I could.
"nod.. sigh, i wish i'd known what was going on in his head then, though"
But I was trying to keep that from affecting things . . . I was trying to just be there for her, without her having to worry about that. I was relying on her being able to help me later on, on being able to patch me together again, because I knew I'd need it, but I was willing to make that sacrifice for her.
"i mean.. i don't know, he always acted like he was better than me in every way.. blamed me for things.."
no . . . I didn't . . . I really didn't . . . I think.
I don't know anymore.
I just don't know.
And there's someone I want to ask out, someone I might be able to love, but . . . how do I know it won't happen again? How do I know she isn't *right*? I don't. And . . . I care enough about this other person . . . that I don't want to remotely risk hurting her in any way. I couldn't bear it.
And even if I knew I wouldn't hurt her . . . why on earth would she be interested in me? I know I need help . . . I need someone to curl up with and cry for a night. I can't ask anyone else for that, I can survive without it, but . . . I couldn't live, trying to give everything I could to someone but not being able to get support from them.
And why would anyone be willing to support me that much? How can I ask anyone to even begin to consider that?
The people I've got who can help me . . . might be the only reason I'm still in one piece now. But . . . I need to fall in love . . . but I can't let myself.
I don't know - if she (either she) were to read this, would they care? Would they stay away from me, or would they actually want to help?
. . . can I risk it? No.