March 29th, 2001

sleepy

Into battle

You'd think that someone as theoretically smart as I am would learn from other's mistakes.

You'd be wrong.

In, oh, two minutes (depending on how long it takes me to write this) I'm about to call her. No, a different her (see here). And despite this, I'm still going to do it, and it probably won't turn out any better.

You think you're stupid, Claire? I've even got an example, and I'm still doing it.

bah.
sleepy

(no subject)

and maybe we're meeting, and maybe not. She seems to be busy, and . . . I don't know whether she actually *wants* to meet.

bah.

I need to go continue the yardwork.
sleepy

(no subject)

"i mean.. i wonder if he really knows what love is.."

. . . it's just plain not fair. I would have done anything for her, I *was*! I was tearing myself apart for her then . . . I needed her, and I was trying to not let that get in my way. I was trying to help her every way I could.

"nod.. sigh, i wish i'd known what was going on in his head then, though"

But I was trying to keep that from affecting things . . . I was trying to just be there for her, without her having to worry about that. I was relying on her being able to help me later on, on being able to patch me together again, because I knew I'd need it, but I was willing to make that sacrifice for her.

"i mean.. i don't know, he always acted like he was better than me in every way.. blamed me for things.."

no . . . I didn't . . . I really didn't . . . I think.

I don't know anymore.

I just don't know.

And there's someone I want to ask out, someone I might be able to love, but . . . how do I know it won't happen again? How do I know she isn't *right*? I don't. And . . . I care enough about this other person . . . that I don't want to remotely risk hurting her in any way. I couldn't bear it.

And even if I knew I wouldn't hurt her . . . why on earth would she be interested in me? I know I need help . . . I need someone to curl up with and cry for a night. I can't ask anyone else for that, I can survive without it, but . . . I couldn't live, trying to give everything I could to someone but not being able to get support from them.

And why would anyone be willing to support me that much? How can I ask anyone to even begin to consider that?

The people I've got who can help me . . . might be the only reason I'm still in one piece now. But . . . I need to fall in love . . . but I can't let myself.

I don't know - if she (either she) were to read this, would they care? Would they stay away from me, or would they actually want to help?

. . . can I risk it? No.
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