|Wednesday, April 4th, 2001|
1:13a - lovers and romance
Discussions with friends lead in odd directions. Today - and yesterday, as I remember - they ended up being somewhat depressing. The conversation revolves around a friend of mine who was recently looking for a bedpartner, and, well, found one. This isn't turning out as poetic as I wished. Ah well.
So basically, here's the thing I ended up thinking about . . . it's that I want a lover. Yes, in all the normal senses of that word. And, grrr, I'm *not* just horny - actually, I'm not even all that horny period. I just want someone I can give a fair amount of pleasure to. I haven't been able to do that sort of thing . . . sigh.
I remember when I could give my ex-gf at least some pleasure, I remember her smile and I remember cuddling with her. And I miss that. I miss . . . just holding someone for a while. Yeah, that's it, I think.
And I thought cuddlers were sought-after, in theory - oh, what I would give to be able to curl up with someone in front of a fire.
A long while back I took one of those online personality tests - Sensuality Test, I believe it was. I got something around high-80s, as I remember.
This is someone who has to rotate the covers on his bed every week or so or he can't get to sleep because the current blanket doesn't feel right.
I need someone . . . and there isn't anyone.
Well . . . there are two people I could ask out. One of which I'm about 95% sure is impossible, one of which is a few hundred miles away . . . and is probably impossible also. Gaaah.
Where do you find people who would happily snuggle for hours?
(*and* idly chat about computer programming and other demented subjects at the same time. Oh, stop dreaming, Zorba, you'll just depress yourself.)
current mood: lonely
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now that I think about it, one of the reasons I haven't asked either is simple . . .
if I ask and they say yes, then I'll never know if it would have worked better with the other one.
whereas if I ask and they say no, it closes a door that I can keep believing is open if I don't ask.
The only thing worse than trapping yourself in something like this is trapping yourself in something like this and being fully aware of it :/
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4:29a - what, aren't I interesting at all?
Forewarning: this is a Grumble At Other People Who (Probably) Read This entry. I was just browsing through some of my recent entries and realizing that . . . ya know, nobody actually says anything to me. The last (one, two, three, four, five) FIVE enties have been completely non-replied. And I know that these have been read by at least one person. Probably two. Probably more, actually. Okay, yes, two of these were written today after 1 AM, but the rest *weren't*, and I know perfectly well that at least two people were still awake at that hour.
On my friends page, there are a total of three chains of unreplied-to entries I can see. Two of them are three items long, one of them is two items long. However, for one of the three-item chains, the last two entries were post-3:30 AM, and I'm about 90% sure I'm the first to read them (and I haven't actually read the second one, either, I just noticed it because I was opening the page to check and it showed up. Likely I'll reply to him, since he's making references to me.) (you know, I just realized - he's the first male I've got on this friends page :P okay, second. But the first doesn't know me, I just added him 'cause it was easier than checking it repeatedly. He's the first male who has *me* on his friends page.)
Anyway. So maybe I'm just in a lull recently?
Checking the detailed profile stats, I find that most people have about a 1/1 post/reply ratio. (yes, I realize how "duh" this is. But males really *do* have more children than females, remember.)
Mine is about 2.2/1.
Geez. Am I that boring, that intrusive, that unlucky, or just plain blowing this out of proportion?
LEMME KNOW, people! I post things here because I want people to see 'em, and if they think anything about it, reply to 'em :P
current mood: irked
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