June 16th, 2001


to talk with or not to talk with

I really don't know, and I'm not sure why I'm posting this either . . .

Here I am in Seattle, a three-hour walk (not impossible, I've done such things), 45-minute bus ride, or ten-second phone call from my ex.

And I still don't know if I want to talk to her or not.

I mean, I know I still feel for her. I know I want to be friends, consciously. Subconsciously, I don't have a *clue*. I don't know if I want to see her so I can convince her I really *do* want to be friends, or so I can finally figure out what *actually* happened, or so I can yell at her, or so I can get together with her again (yes, okay, I realize this last one is not even remotely logical, but the entire point is that not only am I aware that my logical center isn't in control here, but it is in fact shrugging and saying "I don't know what you're thinking here, what are you looking at me for?").

So what do I do?

Note that I think I've pretty conclusively demonstrated that "just forget about her" is impossible over the last six months, so it's not an option. "Spend yet more time trying to get over it yourself and don't even consider giving her the pleasure of hearing you trying to get in contact with her again" is, however, if this is the sort of thing you'd suggest.

Any ideas? :/

(best thing I've come up with so far - ye olde fashioned communication methode, Write A Lettere.)

(and should I show her this or not? geez, the whole thing practically *started* when I opened up to her on a level to which I have only opened up to five people in my life.)

oh frabjous day callou callay

NOW I recognize it! This feeling - the desire to jump up and dance and sing with music I haven't even heard before. It's been so *long*! This is how I feel when I'm finally feeling things are Working in some way.

This is a night where I can Change Things.

ha, it's great! Mind spinning off in thousands of directions at once - that line before there leads to Aladdin leads to Robin Williams leads to a conversation in a parking lot leads to Shrek leads to dragons leads to Ultima Online leads to the Dreamland project leads to . . . ha, I've lost that thread, gone in the multitude, but it all comes together at nights like this and I can bend myself consciously.

Last time . . . what *was* the last time?

I don't know - lessee, way back when after the Escaflowne Incident I did a shift to make myself more social. Same at last-sakuracon-minus-one.

And I've got brownies cooking. Tonight is good ^^

and if I wasn't stuck on this lousy computer I could channel some of it into that game whose latest acronym I have forgotten which doesn't matter as I'll make another one up shortly anyway!

*THIS* is me, folks. This is the real me that can only stretch its wings half a dozen nights a year. I recognize it again. I'll have lost it by tomorrow, of course, that's the way it always works out, but I can pull closer.

Laugh, if I had transportation and was 21 I could go down to a nightclub or something and really be myself, and I would come out of there with someone female. I know it. Ever had one of those nights where you have a truly wonderful response to anything anyone says? I'm getting multiple responses. (leads to ping, leads to . . . something I cannot express in words.)

Oh, speaking of things that can't be expressed in words, I might be getting an internship at Digital Kitchen if I'm lucky! Ever heard of 'em? They did the Six Feet Under intro. And other things. They rock. This would rock.

This all rocks.

I still want replies to my last post :) This just . . . doubletripleaffirms (leads to, um, I don't even *know* what that is) that she's not sucking me back in again, that she *can't* because I can dance emotional circles around her right now, and *that* at least tends to last a week or two.
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