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Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
Eh, in the mood to write a really long entry that says a lot about myself, but not in the mood to actually have to think, which I'd need to pull off some of the things I've got listed in my to-do list. (entry #2 was Hell. Entry #5 was n-queens. I wipe 'em as I finish 'em. Curious about any of those? Ask me and I'll nudge them up on my priorities.)

So I'll do a li'l survey that showed up in my friends page ^^

And, just like them, I'll . . .

<lj-cut>Collapse )

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Something for all of you to do, if you wish.

Find a copy of It's Been Awhile, by Staind. The explicit version, if you can. (there is reason for this.) It is easily available on Audiogalaxy.

Ideally, you have a good speaker system. Many of you don't, which is unfortunate. But for those who do, turn the volume up.

No, I mean turn the volume up. To the point where it's Really Loud.

Now turn it up a bit further. Ideally you should not be able to hear yourself if you were to sing along. Don't let the distortion set in, though, those of you wish the lower-priced speakers might have to worry about that. In fact, if you've got lower-quality speakers you might want to see if you can find a friend with good speakers.

Now hit play. Here are the lyrics. Don't follow along, don't just read them. Listen to the emotion, sing them if you wish. UNDERSTAND the lyrics.

Note that in the middle of this I turned it up again . . .
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you.
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you.

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry . . .
Sorry for subjecting you to popular music, but . . .

(stupid memories.)

*pushes play again*

it must be raining, 'cause a man ain't supposed to cry
but I look up, and I don't see a cloud

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10:01p - parents and such
Here I am at my mom's again . . . and as I was expecting, the normal trouble flares up - she wants me to do a ton of stuff around the house that simply doesn't seem worth being able to stay here. She wants me to get up insanely early and do yardwork, she wants me to vacuum (this will not mean anything to people who have not seen my house. quick summary: asthmatic eclectic collector with cats. this house has more corners than some houses have bricks. vacuuming can take an hour easy, and then it's at least an hour of her scouring the house and pointing out spots I missed.), she wants me to do . . . well, a lot of stuff. In return for things I don't ask for - for example, she got me up and drove me to my dentist appointment. I don't know why she did that, I certainly didn't ask her to, she just sort of decided she was going to. I thought it was precursor to shopping trip or something - sheesh, mom, I could have taken the bus. And she takes this as an example of All She's Done For Me and Why I Should Go Out Of My Way For Her, when all things considered, it really didn't make much difference to me that she drove me.

So eventually we end up talking about it, and what it all comes down to is that we aren't used to each other and that we should readjust. Which she says she'll try, and I say I'll try, but . . .

Here's the thing. This happened more than once before. And I did try, the first time or two, and my memory tells me that nothing whatsoever changed. So I started building defensive walls. It was all I *could* do, it was what I needed to survive. The Bad Years. When I had no less than five plans for running away so she couldn't find me, and when I knew several ways I could kill myself if I needed to, and was perfectly serious about all of it. In fact, once I was literally one day away from leaving - I was *packed* I was so ready. (one camping backpack.) With one place to go to, maybe, and two or three that I was prepared to beg my way into if I needed, though I never needed to test those friendships to that extreme.

And, yes, I block her out. I had to. When a simple response can easily yield getting screamed at for fifteen minutes, yeah, you end up being careful not to ever say anything. I *know* I did this, and I know I had reason for it.

And now she's asking me to break these walls down again, and she says she'll do the same, and I know she's lied to me before, quite often. I know she forgets promises, I know promises don't mean as much to her. (And, with regards to her, they don't mean as much to me, due to all those times she forced me to promise things I knew I couldn't promise.)

So what can I do? Can I just say "yeah, okay, I'll try" and not do anything? Can I say "okay", break down those carefully constructed walls that basically only exist for her anymore, and risk getting my mind damaged yet again? (No. I can't risk that. I'm in a bad enough shape right now that that sort of thing could be fatal. And I don't know what my defense mechanisms would do in that case - they might block out the few people who could help me also. I cannot risk that.) Or should I just go off to my dad's house again?

Or maybe I should show this to her, and show her what I've been through, and maybe she'll understand and really promise this time . . .

except that how would I know?

Once during the Bad Years, we had fought about something. I forget what. And she went off to sulk. And because the only thing I could think to do was try to tell her what I was feeling, but I knew she'd just yell at me again, I wrote her a note. (notes are wonderful things - the receiver basically has to read the whole thing, because they'll have to make an effort to get in contact with you, and not having read the entire note at that point just looks bad.) And I said stuff like this really hurts, I wish you'd keep your promises, etc etc. I think. I barely remember. And she gave me the kind of formulaic answer you'd expect (also in note form), well, why should I, I don't believe you're in really bad shape because (list of things she's angry about), etc. etc. etc. And I responded with "because I'm seriously considering killing myself, and I don't know how long I can hold on."

And she didn't respond, and when I asked her about it later, she yelled at me for trying to guilt-trip her.

So what do I do? . . .

current mood: cynical

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