June 23rd, 2001


chaos and apologies

Folks . . . I'm sorry. I'm losing . . . I don't know how much longer I can survive.

I'm slowly coming to the realization that I'm not actually getting any better. I'm just swinging wider and wider . . . the high points aren't getting any higher, but the low points are going lower. Two nights ago . . . I lost it. Completely. I don't mean I was crying or anything silly like that, I mean I totally mentally cracked. I literally couldn't think of doing anything for myself anymore. It wasn't a factor. Why would I want to?


Everything I was thinking . . . I don't even know if I can explain it. I was in horrendous mental pain, and I would have killed myself in a second, except that it would have hurt my friends. And I couldn't do that. Like, period. I couldn't have done *anything* to hurt others, and I couldn't have done *anything* for myself.

For several hours. And, it's fading now completely, I barely remember it. But keep in mind - if you consider the person to be the mental processes, or the philosophy, *I WAS DEAD* at that point. There wasn't anything noticeable left.

And I don't know what brought me out of it . . . something did. Before I went to sleep. (if I'd gone to sleep, would I have woken up? Would I ever have gotten back?) But what's to keep it from happening again? Why did it stop in the first place? I'm still surprised there was *enough* of me to get back.

. . . I still love her, and I always will. I promised I'd love her forever . . . I guess it really wasn't pure rhetoric, because I do still love her, and I do still break into tears whenever I really think about her. All this "progress", being able to survive day to day . . . isn't my emotions fading. It's just me getting better at not thinking about her. And it doesn't work, because it's all still there, it's just being ignored.

And I really can't survive like this. One or two more nights like that . . . and I won't be alive any more.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone who I'll hurt . . . I don't want to, I really don't want to! I'll try to do anything else. I don't know if it will work. But . . .

I'm dying, and there's no way out.
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    self-destruct in five . . . four . . .