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Monday, June 25th, 2001
1:32a - thanks | memories | friends | incubus
Thanks.

All of you.

I seem to be doing better . . . and, grrr, I owe you :P I guess for some reason I forgot what good friends I had . . . and, bah, there really isn't any more that needs to be said.

Thanks.

For now, at least, I'm okay . . . and I'm not going to do anything to myself, those of you who might have been worried. In fact, I promise that -- that I won't hurt myself or kill myself or anything, without doing everything I can before that. (for those who don't know me that well - a promise is a very very major thing for me. I've broken only one promise in the last six months, and I can't think of any others for another six months before that. And that one that I broke . . . was under insane amounts of stress.)

So, yes. There you have it . . . thanks again . . . really :)

If anyone wants to check up on me randomly . . . well, I don't think I'll need it, but I'm always willing to chat. AIM is ZorbaTHut, ICQ is 598331. (yes, it's really that low.) And I suppose anyone should feel willing to ask me about details that I don't feel free to post on here . . . though be prepared for a "sorry, I can't tell you that" with an optional "yet" at the end.

Warning: contrived segue alert.

One of the best things one can have is support from friends . . . unconditional support, knowing that they'll be there for you no matter what. And I was remembering . . . that I was supporting of her, no matter what. When she ran away to come to Oberlin, I was on the phone with her parents, trying valiantly to make things work out. I couldn't tell them where she was, because she'd told me not to, but I told them she was safe, and not to look for her, because I knew it would destroy her if she was yanked back . . . and they found out eventually, I did give too much info :/ if anything like that happens again, I'll have to be more strict with myself. But I couldn't tell them nothing, or they wouldn't trust me.

I remember people telling me that if she *did* kill herself, I could be legally liable.

Legally liable. Right. My love is talking about committing suicide, and you're worrying about me being sent to jail . . .

And then during the Hawaii incident, I was fighting on her side also - no, I wasn't happy about it, but I was defending her actions to her mom, telling her mom that, yes, she needed this, she needed to feel safe and that meant getting out of Seattle to some place her dad couldn't find. And that was it.

And despite all that, despite fighting for her every time I could . . .

but I guess that's what happens. And now I need support, maybe more than she did . . . and it looks like maybe I've got it, if I can make myself accept that.

Friends . . . there are at least three small knots of friends on LJ I know of. In order of chronology . . . there's The Gang, in Seattle. So far, consisting of cathexis and kareal on LJ, consisting of maybe four or five more who aren't as yet. (names to look for: hawkswift, decuto, sigmar, coogar, episoen, and some variation on shrike.) Who I've known for, um, five years some of 'em. Wait. More. Seven years? Yeah, sounds right. Longlong time.

Second, The Hivemind, the group of friends from Oberlin. Um. Alphabetical order: alphonsedelove, gramcracker, heronblue, jude, researcher, sebi_hotep. Though jude lived annoyingly far away for us to drag her to dinner :P (apologies if I'm missing anyone here!)

Third, the Unnamed LJ Group, which I *think* is bounded by kirub, luna306, wishful. But I could be wrong. I wish the admins had the relation chart working, I might code my own if I get bored enough :P I was debating calling this the Crazy-And-Cool Girl Group, seeing as how it contains kirub who is, hands down, the best I've ever met at totally apparently illogical jumps (and the other two aren't exactly bad at 'em either), but I won't, for now.

Then there's a bunch of single unrelated people, some of which aren't mutual friendships (all of which are me-friending-them, not vice-versa - everyone who has me on their friends list, I've got on mine), some of which are, and a single pair of people, but one of them doesn't know I've added him yet (I presume).

I find friend topology interesting . . . especially since I know the boundaries are breaking down a teensy bit, what with heronblue adding the girl group and vice-versa. Wish I had a charter program :/

And, this entry travels full-circle . . .

Once my ex gave me a zipdisk of music. Most of it was pretty good - there were one or two tracks that were wonderful. One of which was Incubus - Stellar. That and one other were probably the two songs that I associated most with Us. (the two I can't listen to now, and probably won't be able to for a while, if ever . . .)

But. When I was thinking about writing the last entry (before I had), I put music on - Shoutcast. basically random selection. I got distracted for a while, and when I was paying attention to music again it was playing something good. I checked. Incubus - Drive.

Hit "stop" and realized that I needed to write the entry immediately.

Just now . . . at the beginning of the entry . . . I put Shoutcast on again. Comes in in the middle of . . . guess what? Incubus - Drive.

Maybe someone's trying to tell me something? Time to listen to the lyrics . . .

whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
with open arms and open eyes
whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there


Thank you all again.

I'll be here for a while yet . . . don't worry :)

full song lyricsCollapse )


current mood: content

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1:46p
*laugh* I quote a card I got:

"Maybe someday you and I will come here, and you'll come here with somebody you care about."

Card is from dad, dad is on vacation. Where? Hawaii.

Yeah. Right. Me go to Hawaii . . . *that's* going to be happening soon . . .

I might be heavily damaged and more than mildly insane, but at least I *know* what I can't do.

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6:11p
So here I am in North Seattle Community College, waiting for a class to start . . . (five hours left) . . . and, sigh. it just seems useless. I mean, yeah, the class looks interesting and all, but what good will it do? Why am I doing *any* of this?

I can't do much worth talking about in this lab . . . not allowed to install anything, so no directx8, so I still can't work on my game. Grrr. Soon I might end up building an API layer for it, or a DX1 layer or something, but I need access to a good dev environment for that because that would involve DLLs, and I've never dealt with those before anyway.

So, feh. I'm just sitting here . . . half expecting my ex to show up at any moment, because I know she's taken classes here. (dunno if she still does. no response . . . except that somewhat generic "yes, I still care about you, I don't know if I have the right to read your journal" that I got a few hours after two entries ago. nothing since, even though I replied and it's been days. I never know when she's gotten something . . . there have been cases when I was waiting for a reply, and she just decided not to reply since she didn't know what to say. bah.)

so, yeah.

I've got 45 minutes left for class, and all I can really think of doing is not going outside and crying or not going home.

I wish I had something useful to do here! . . . maybe I can learn DLLs. nothing better to do :/

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