July 1st, 2001

sleepy

only for you would I do this

. . . The Reply That Ate Seattle? I made a quick reply to a friend's entry, then realized I had more to say, then realized . . . eh, I'll just turn it into an entry.

Really, I'm not sure how to start this. The line in the subject . . . sums it up, and people who know me can probably extrapolate the entry from there. How you'd do more for one you love than others . . . because you trust them, and want to be with them, and . . . and so on.

Guess I don't really have much to say . . .

well, a little more. Lessee. First off, one of my friends is also trying to get in contact with my ex via ICQ, and is having no more luck than I am . . . well, less, even, he didn't get a message. Wonder if she really has totally forgotten about the messages or something . . . it seems likely.

Projection . . . never know how accurate that is . . . but let's see. Assume she thinks it was reasonable, and doesn't know how much she really hurt me, and hasn't read any of the stuff I've said she should if she still cares . . . then . . . it would probably look like I was just sulking, or don't care about her outside having her as a girlfriend. It's possible she got my reply and for some reason got insulted or something, and so hasn't been checking ICQ . . . I can see that. sort of.

Except it would also require her to really have forgotten how much I cared, and it would require her to have forgotten that entire conversation where I basically forced her to shut up and listen to it from my side, and she did, and realized that she'd really hurt me.

. . . which isn't beyond the realm of possibility.

("I was lying outside your room CRYING and listening to you laughing and joking with him!")
(". . . I didn't know.")
("OF COURSE you didn't know! I realized you needed help and you didn't need to be saddled with having to take care of me also, so I was stretching for you because I thought you'd be there for me!")
("oh.")

(and how can someone forget something like that? then again, how can someone forget the time we spent together before that? it clearly happens . . .)

Bah. Next subject . . . which, ya know, isn't much better :/

Been thinking about moods, and other people, and if I *was* to somehow get a girlfriend (okay, yes, I realize we're already bordering on impossibility, but bear with me), what would I be like? Would there be any reason for her to stay with me?

Really . . . there are a few moods I can isolate. There's the functional mood where I might actually be a good boyfriend. (maybe.) There's the . . . sort of blank mid-point mood where I can discuss all this less emotionally than I can other times. Then . . . there's the mood where I really can't imagine why anyone would want me, and the one where I'd basically do anything for anybody in return for just a simple thanks . . .

yeah. Even if I could get a girlfriend, she'd have to really care about me to hold on through my insanity :/

(hrm. perhaps I'm not in the blank mood right now after all :P)

Future entries . . . herkimer battle-jitney and Planetary vs. Sandman (round one). Future entries may be defined as "slightly later tonight" :P
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