July 3rd, 2001

sleepy

(no subject)

I had this entry in my mind. I was going to talk about the end of this book I read, and talk about Ezr Vinh and Trixia Bonsol, and how he worked for decades for her, and when he finally managed to save her, she decided she didn't want him anymore. And how this parallels really neatly in a very obvious way, and how that was sort of depressing. (note: these people live for half a millenia, so a few decades isn't so bad.)

Then I realized that the parallel breaks down, because Ezr found that Qiwi was interested in him, and, apparently, things went well, because seven years later they've got kids. And that was depressing also.

And *then* I remembered that shortly after I lost my Trixia, a young woman was interested in me, only I was too hurt to be able to be with her, and I ended up breaking her heart for the second time. And that was *really* depressing.

And then I heard a car horn, and looked over, and the girl I like in jewelry class had just stopped next to me and was clearing a place on the passenger's seat, so I ran over (note that this is in medium traffic) and got inside and she drove with me to class and we chatted. (okay, so it was a five-minute drive - this is still a wonderful thing.)

And everything was a lot better after that.

Except . . . even if she does like me . . . I'm going back to college in something like six weeks at this point . . .

So. Should I ask her out for something short and hopefully enjoyable to all concerned, or just let it slide?

(like I don't already know what answer I came up with.)

The real question is, do I wait a little longer to get to know her, or do I ask now in the hopes that she'll say yes and we'll have more time together?

No, the *real* question is "are you lesbian/seeing someone/asexual/spoken for/etc etc etc", but that particular question I can't get an answer to by posting.

. . . I keep remembering that . . . dude. that rocks. she stopped for me! how awesome is that?
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sleepy

(no subject)

And I continue my habit of following a deep introspective post that I want a reply to with . . .

Something totally trivial!

this.

Stop thinking, all of you! I don't want your heads to explode!
sleepy

(no subject)

So I went and talked with my ex, and, well . . . don't really feel like recapping the entire thing again. Suffice to say, if she *does* care about me, she hides it mighty well under a facade of having absolutely nothing to say to me. Plus she's got the guy from Hawaii here, and I shall henceforth refer to him as The Flunky, since it appears to me that whenever she's angry at me she sends him out to yell at me and talk about how she actually does care about me.

My feeling . . . if she wants to talk to me, why doesn't *she* talk to me?

Well . . . it's not exactly mine. I have to give loads of credit to tira/heronblue for this - if anyone happens to have something nice they're not using - like, say, all the happiness she could ever want, or condensed beauty, or a medieval castle complete with staff, or a small universe, I suggest giving it to her, as she's earned it as far as I'm concerned :) (thanks thanks thanks thanks!)

But anyway. The flunky basically said that I shouldn't go out in search of her, because she needs healing time, and this isn't about me, it's about her, and when I talked to her, Tira said that he was insane and that it wasn't about *anyone*, it was about pain and suffering and trying to avoid it. And she's the one who's keeping me in limbo, and therefore, I need to find out what's happening.

Which, now that I think about it, makes a *lot* more emotional sense. And I don't know if it's just me being selfish or anything, but, eh, I don't really care at this point either . . . so tira's said that she'll call and see if my ex actually wants to talk with me, and if so, she'll set up a neutral meeting somewhere for us. Without the flunky. (Because if I'm going to talk to her, I'm going to talk to her, and I don't want to have to argue with someone who doesn't even know me.)

So maybe this'll actually get resolved sometime down the line :/

Oh, and cathexis, her cable is down, which is why she's not responding on ICQ. though it still doesn't explain why she didn't reply to my first message, now that I think about it. And I don't know if she saw the second or not . . . bah. Well, if she wants to talk, I'll figure all this out, I guess, and if she doesn't . . .

well, if she doesn't, that's that, isn't it?
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