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Wednesday, July 4th, 2001
1:05a
. . . I need a hug . . . I need someone local. Physical contact is important to me.

I wish I could see even a vague chance of that happening in the near future :/


current mood: lonely

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1:53a
I don't want to go to sleep, I want to talk to someone I don't really know and hear parts of their life and chat about random stuff and basically make a new friend. Or improve a relation with one of those people I don't know too well yet.

Except the only people who're online are people I've known for years, and if I was to do a random chat request I'd probably get some teenage boy in Korea who wanted to talk about Britney Spears or something >_<

Promise to self: if flunky calls me, tell him "I won't talk to you. I will talk to her. If she wants to talk to me, then I will talk, but I won't go through an intermediary unless I can appoint a spokesperson also, and at that point it's kind of stupid anyway. Put her on or I hang up. This is not open for debate, and no amount of you insulting me or arguing with me will change that. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. *click*"

and ya know, it really won't help matters any :/

Disadvantage to being a nightowl on the West Coast. Nobody's awake when you're lonely and want to talk :/


current mood: still lonely

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12:40p
My mom is signing me up for her burial service.

Apparently it's discount.

Does this worry anyone else? :)


current mood: amused

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2:15p - fourth of july, one year ago
Bah. I don't like memories. They hurt.

So maybe I am being selfish and a jerk with all this . . . if I'm being selfish and a jerk, she's doing the same several times over.

Trying to get in contact with someone who may or may not care is one thing. Avoiding someone who is clearly trying desperately to talk to you is another entirely.

And maybe I am concerned with myself for once . . . for two weeks, I was only concerned with her, and I *was* staying away when she didn't want me. And we all see how that turned out.

Econ class taught me that everything has a price. If I offered to pay you a lot of money if you amputated your leg, how much would it take? A million? A billion? A trillion? Perhaps money doesn't have enough value. Perhaps I'd need something else. Everlasting love? How about if I said I would clean up the pollution over the entire world, and make sure no species ever went extinct again? How about if I assured you that your children would have happy lives? How about if I gave you a prosthetic leg, which was completely identical in every way? How about if it was stronger and tougher?

How about if I gave you all of those things?

Everyone's got a price for everything, everything balances if you add enough to one side or the other . . . there are no absolutes.

(NO ABSOLUTES! NEVER! there is NOTHING that is absolute! okay, if you don't get the joke by now, you're not going to :P)

but, yeah. She's not more important than I am, and I'm not more important than she is . . . I'll take some pain for her (or I would have) but not that much. If she's not going to stand up for my feelings, well, I guess I will :P

And as it seems the flunky has no regard whatsoever for my feelings, there's no way I'm gonna deal with him.


current mood: frustrated

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