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Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
12:37a - the way out . . .
will take a lot of timing, someone who actually wants to go out with me and help me, and a mindboggling amount of luck.

But it's the only way out I can see.

First off, I have to be sane enough and in control enough to actually be able to go out with them. And they have to care enough about me to want to help me. And I have to believe them, and be able to spend long hours just lying in their arms and holding them. And I have to be able to trust them, and they have to be able to help me . . . and with all that stacked up, it's even worse, because unless I can help them too I'll feel bad about relying on them. (I will anyway. But that way, at least, it's bearable.)

. . . I have no idea if it's possible. Or if it will happen. I know I make wild swings - the question is, are they going generally up? Or generally down? Or getting more and more wild, until one day it hits rock-bottom and shatters?

And I don't know the answer to that one, but I don't believe I'm making progress, on average.

At the *moment* . . . I seem to be neutral-pessimistic-logical . . . but that can change.

I need to go make food.


current mood: hungry

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3:05p
I had a strange dream. It was a movie about timetravel, and it involved the HaX0rs Cafe. (yes, spelled like that). I can't remember it well enough to put it together, but the twist in it was that the person had gotten an ultimatum that he had to be at the HaX0rs Cafe at a certain time. Only the "certain time" was in the past (and it meant the person in the past). So he first figured out where he'd been at that moment, then went back in time and founded the HaX0rs Cafe at that spot, long *before* that moment, so he was retroactively (I'm not sure that's the right word) there at the time.

It was very strange.

I might do something with the idea, although I think I'll rename the cafe :P

The thing I was *actually* going to write about before I remembered that dream (I was reading a joke that involved someone buying a salad, and they sold salads at the cafe) is to tell the people who give me advice - keep it up! I tend to not reply to everything because, well, I just can't think of anything to say, and I'd feel stupid saying "thanks". But . . . really. Any advice is appreciated, and if I disagree, I'll just ignore you ;) Even though that hasn't happened . . . really. Different perspectives are a Very Good Thing.

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6:34p
virtual void specDat( zutil::kString *spath, std::map< zutil::kString, zutil::kFunctor< zutil::kFunctor< RVOID, kManager * > *, std::pair< const char *, kModule< kRawhandle< kType > > * > > *, zutil::kString::case_insensitive_lessthan > *assoc, kRawhandle< kType > kType *nullitem ) = 0;

now *that's* a function declaration!

And yes, for anyone who can actually decode it - that is indeed an associative array of factory factories.

And yes, I'm insane.


current mood: accomplished

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