|Sunday, September 9th, 2001|
2:15a - next time I'll do better
next time I won't assume she knows I love her, even when she says she knows. Next time I'll pay attention to what she might mean instead of what she just says. Next time I'll have more willpower. I'll control myself better. Next time I'll promise early on to tell her everything, and I will. Next time I won't ever get annoyed with her. Next time I won't hurt or feel lonely.
next time I'll do better.
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5:11p - late-night ramblings
Tell me something about yourself.
I have no sense of self-worth.
Really? None at all?
None. I don't value myself at all - I consider myself totally worthless.
Then how do you survive?
I value others. And they value me. And I value their opinions of me more than I value my opinions of myself.
So you're telling me that you can't even trust yourself in thinking that you're useless?
What do you do?
I help others. I help the ones who helped me, and then I find other people and help them.
Because I don't understand why anyone would want to help just me. And I don't want their efforts to be wasted.
What makes you think that you can help anyone?
Because people tell me I can.
And doesn't this make you think you have value?
No. I have no value in myself. I only have value relative to other people.
So if there was nobody else, what would you do? Kill yourself?
No. I would do nothing.
You would starve? You would sit in one place and slowly die?
No. Starving is something. I would just . . . do nothing.
(no. you can't convince me that I'm useful. you can convince me that you think I'm useful, and you can convince me that your opinions are right. But for whatever reason, my self-hatred is so embedded now that I don't think I'll ever get it out. It's okay, though - it all works the same in the end.)
current mood: lost
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I guess I should explain a little about the last entry . . . it makes it look like I'm sad and depressed when really I'm not. I'm not any lower than usual (though I can't claim to be in a wonderful mood either). See . . . it works. And it's been pretty constant for over half a year. There hasn't been a moment since my gf broke up with me that I really felt any sort of self-worth. What I do has worth. The people I can apparently help have worth. But I don't.
And what it all comes down to is that even though a lot of people probably can't imagine how I can function with it . . . I can. I just don't focus on myself. I keep myself working because, after all, I can't do anything else if I'm nearly dead. So I take care of myself, but it's only secondary.
But . . . all things considered . . . it does work.
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