October 30th, 2001


the remains of my ex's last gift

I still have no self-confidence.

    trying to hold on

Or rather, I do. I know what I can do, I know I'm good at it. I just don't believe it. I don't believe in myself, I don't believe that I have any quality . . . I just know I have skills.

    but didn't even know

It's weird. I can't explain it well. How can you consciously know something, and believe it completely, and yet believe its exact opposite at the same time?

    wasted it all just to watch you go

I still don't trust myself.

    i kept everything inside

I still don't trust others.

    and even though i tried

I do, but I don't . . . I trust them up to a certain point, but . . . no further. If I even start trying to explain that to them, I completely lock up.

    it all fell apart

My self-defense systems are too good. I can't get past them. I spent years closing loopholes, and then . . . then it turned against me. And I can't get out.

    what it meant to me

I still can't handle affection.

    will eventually be a memory

I don't know why. I wish I did. But if someone really wanted to snuggle with me . . . I'd probably start crying.

    of a time when

I don't know if I could stop.

    i tried so hard and got so far

I'm better than I've been in months, in almost a year, and yet, and yet . . .

    but in the end

and yet I'm still not together, and yet I'm still struggling with all my strength to keep from being overwhelmed.

    it doesn't even matter

Most of the time I can hold it off without any problem now.

    i had to fall to lose it all

But I can't do anything more.

    but in the end it doesn't even matter
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