January 20th, 2002


(no subject)

in some ways it is nice not hoping.

If you don't look to the future, you don't get disappointed. You don't play out scenarios in your mind over and over, trying to figure out how to handle things. You don't feel bad about how the future isn't going to work, because the future doesn't exist.

And if you don't have a future, you don't need to learn from the past.

I haven't looked into the past because I don't need to make sure the future works. I don't have to learn from my mistakes because I'll deal with situations as I meet them.

I don't need to remember pain, because all emotion now is fleeting. Why hold on?

only there feels like there's something wrong. and I can't pin it down.

I just know that something is wrong, and sometimes when I'm with people it's right . . . but I don't know what it is.
  • Current Mood

life, dreams, sex, mind, magi-nation

no, no, that's not a misspelling of imagination, it's a card game. It's actually pretty fun, though I think it has some balance issues, but in general it's good. It's a collectible card game in the vague style of Magic, but more anime-ish. I played it for my first two times today and won both times.

The first game, we all got off to reasonable starts, I think I had more power out in the beginning than anyone else, and I got plinked to death by someone who was worried about said power. Due to bad cards I stayed pretty much behind while everyone else got stronger and nastiers. Eventually I dealt the final blows with someone else to knock out the main part of the above someone's power, though he was almost defeated in the process. So, set stage: three really powerful players, two marginally powerful players (me and the guy who got semiknockedout), and one weak (the almost-defeated). What happens? One really-powerful-player casts a spell that mauls everyone else, basically sending us back to start. He doesn't go back to start. So we band up against him, losing two people in the process (partially related to infighting, I think), finally take him down, the person who takes him down - the same person who was worried about me originally - also finishes off the guy who almost lost. (yes, I'm not using names, it's late and I'm tired and I'd use the wrong ones and it would be even more confusing.)

so, set stage: me, him, both weakened, both struggling, and in the end I made a minor mistake and would have lost if he'd read the cards more carefully but won anyway.

Second game, rematch. Teams of two. We mauled. At least partially due to luck.

how on earth do I do this? I mean, it's not planned, it's not . . . it's not anything. it's just what happens. Some things I win, some I don't, but . . . I win things I shouldn't. I shouldn't have won that, it was my first game, and yet and yet and yet it happens.

sometimes I worry that I'm driving people away. That by saying "hey, look what I can do!" people think I'm bragging. and of course I'm not, of course that's not what I mean to do, it's just that I don't give up and I fight my best and I want to show everyone the twistyturnybeauteous things I can make and I can find.

So tell me honestly. How do you feel about me? How do you feel when I rip through mental pathways that have stymied you for months in mere minutes? What do you think when I say something like "oh, that's easy", and explain using a hodgepodge of emotions and science and logic and Flow that goes by you?

it's not that I mean to, it's just what I do, and yes and yes (but does it make you happy?) no, I would give it all up for happiness. Because, in the end, it's a means, and an ineffectual one at that . . . this does not make me happy, it does not make me glad, it's a tool and a good one but just that and no more and it does not make me happy.

(sometimes I wonder. is it real? or is it a hallucination? am I deluding myself? or is everyone else deluding themselves? what's real and what did we do ourselves . . . (I am not making sense. if you are curious, ask and I may explain, if I can piece the thoughtfragments together.))

this appears to be one of the fluid times. which worries me. Fluid times aren't supposed to happen when I'm in pieces, because then what might happen?

I believe I shall need willpower for this one . . . shall happen soon, meanwhile I need to finish this entry from back to front, but stopping a little before halfway because those items matter not except in reference.

Except that I have nothing to say about the middle that hasn't been said time and time again, just an empty longing that reminds me that there are people out there who haven't learned to enjoy, to lean back and smile and touch and shiver and sensual. which is sad, because if those haven't learned, how can they teach others what it means, how can they teach the dance?

*shakes head* sleepdep. I think it's time to go mess with my mind. maybemaybemaybe I can bring it a bare iota further up the mountain, I'll try and probably fail but



  • Current Mood

life, life, life, life, and life

. . . continues. unchanged unchanging.

well, a little changed, always changing, friendships wax and wane and mutual hesitation gives way and so forth.

I find myself a bit frustrated . . . six days left . . . it's been two weeks and I haven't spent more than three hours with her. With any luck we'll spend time tomorrow, but, well . . . the last time she said she'd spend time with me, it stretched until long past midnight, then finally we got a few hours together. which isn't what I was hoping for, I was hoping to actually get to know her better. And I'd be talking to her directly, but whenever I try she's doing five things and talking with her friends and what am I going to do, drag her out in the middle and say "pay attention to me instead?" which is ironic because a lot of those same friends are going to read this, but I'm a hypocrite or something. (maybe I would tell this to her directly . . . but I don't even know where she is now.)

and this whole spending-time-with-me thing, that's the part that hurts, because I've done this once. I've done this twice. And those two times it completely failed and I ended up shattered. is this going to be the third?

I hope not . . . or I would . . . but I'm still not hoping.

blah. I would consider posting this so that she and friends couldn't see it, or something, but that would be dishonest in some ways and she asked me to tell her and I know she'll see this and, well . . . yeah.

just can't think right at the moment, it seems.