January 23rd, 2002

sleepy

(no subject)

you in the dark
you in the pain
you on the run

living a hell
living your ghost
living your end

never seem to get in the place that I belong
don't wanna lose the time
lose the time to come


it's a hard road. Whenever I think I'm safe, whenever I think I'm together, something comes along and shatters me.

whatever you say, it's alright
whatever you do, it's all good


but I'm not giving up. I'm still walking down that road, and getting hit from every direction, but someone's always in front of me, leading me on.

silence is not the way
we need to talk about it


and there've been a lot of people, over time. one after another. you and you and you and you and you and you, and to a lesser extent literally dozens of others . . . each of you've lead me for a time

you in the sea
on a decline
breaking the waves


and I've lead most of you at one point or another also.

watching the lights go down
letting the cables sleep


night is pretty. dark is pretty. pain is pretty. There's all the little specks of light, all the souls and hopes and dreams, little pinpoints of life in a great sea of darkness.

(but the pinpoints are so small. the light is losing, isn't it?)
(no. once it was all dark. the light is winning.)

and we are winning. Slowly. We just have to band together. We have to find each other, the few stellar fireballs who won't give up until they burn out completely, and we do, slowly, somehow, I don't know how.

The strings of friendships bend in interesting ways . . . somehow it seems like any group of people is smaller than it is. Somehow the same people keep meeting. Pick a random dozen from Oberlin, then a random half-dozen, and what's the chance that two of those are the same?

it's because some people resonate, or more accurately, some types of people, some sets of interests, just gravitate to the same things. Somehow it happens, somehow the world curls together in a hyperspacial knot and loops in on itself. A subset of itself, but somehow as big as the original, or does that not make any sense?

I'm putting too much thought into this.

night is pretty, that's really all there is to it.
  • Current Music
    bush - letting the cables sleep
sleepy

(no subject)

why is it that absolutely everything has to happen the same way over and over?

Am I just imagining it, only noticing the parts that are similar and ignoring the parts that are different . . .

or does someone up there really hate me that much?
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
sleepy

(no subject)

. . . and I talk to them, and they apologize and say they didn't mean it and they really will spend more time with me, and they really do care about me, and then

it
all
happens
again.

and again.

and again.

and I've seen it all before, over and over. "no I don't want to talk to you, or anyone else", where "anyone else" apparently is limited to "me".

and I know she'll see this eventually, and feel bad, and want to talk to me, and I'll talk to her and she'll apologize and say she didn't mean it and she really will spend more time with me . . .

(and the cycle will be broken, of course. it always is. eventually she has to leave, or I have to leave, and in this case it's three days. and she'll apologize and say that next time it'll be better and then next time will never happen, because it never has.)
  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable
sleepy

(no subject)

(and I don't want to hurt her. because I never want to hurt her. but if I say it, I might hurt her . . . but I have to say it, because I promised.)

(you know what? being honest really bites sometimes.)