May 5th, 2002


(no subject)

I met her a while ago . . . I don't even remember what we started talking about. We went all over the place. You know those conversations that don't really have a direction, just keep on going? You start at scifi and next thing you know you're discussing geology. And after that it's electronics. Only for once I wasn't the one leading, I wasn't the one making the jumps, I'd push off from one subject and land on another and find her already there waiting for me. It was like she knew my patterns better than I did and wanted to show me all the stuff I'd been missing - she'd take little detours into areas I'd never even consider.

Everything. Games. Architecture. Metalworking. Do you know how prisms work? The slow parts of the light - the purples and deep blues - get bent more than the fast parts. And you get a rainbow. That's what she did - she took everything I'd taken for granted and showed me the rainbow. Except that doesn't give her enough credit, because she shined on her own.

Stayed up until 4 am, just discussing everything.

The next day we met again and did it all again and she was incredible. Truly incredible. She was interested in everything, and I could just barely follow her.

A week later and we were curled up watching movies together, laughing at all the same moments and hugging each other at the romantic bits. She showed me a few gems I'd missed somehow, and I got my favorites for her.

and I can't write any more . . . because this is where it ends, if it even gets this far. Something happens, whether it's a misunderstanding or too much schoolwork or . . . or something.

See, this is why I get so frustrated. Because it looks perfect, it looks beautiful and stunning and like I've finally found someone who'll . . . I can't think of the words. Stand by me? Support me? But that makes it sound like I just want someone for me, and I don't . . . I want to be amazed at the things she does also, and I want to be allowed to assist her in her projects as well.

Complement me, I guess.

"I'm not looking for my other half . . . that makes it sound like part of me is missing, and there's no such part." (but for me there is?)

And there's that question mark. Because people are going to say that I should stand on my own, that I should be strong enough to not need people. They'll mention how independent they are.

Or maybe they'll say how independent I am, how much I don't need anyone, and they're right, I don't need anyone. And you all out there don't need computers. Or houses. Or clothing. Hey, we lived in the wild once, we could do it again. But do we want to?

Or maybe it'll be the old "if you stopped looking, you'd find someone" deal . . . but that doesn't work, really, because how can I stop looking for something I want? Only by giving up.

and *ugh* you've all heard this before. (sorry.)

I guess I'm just wanting someone I can talk to and curl up with and not have to be on guard with constantly . . . but murphy's doing a pretty good job of eliminating every single chance and every situation I might feel safe in.

and now I'm whining again.

Honestly, if anybody wants to take me off their friends list, I ain't gonna say no :/

I remember when we were just getting to know each other. The thrill of exploring a kindred mind. The little differences that caused conversations and debates and always left us knowing each other - and ourselves - better. Realising that we both cared, that we both understood . . .

(and I remember each time after that.)

(and I remember it falling apart . . . too many times.)

cue broken record.
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