May 16th, 2002

sleepy

(no subject)

despite things going well, I don't feel it can last.

despite knowing that everything's Gonna Be Okay, I know I'll spend at least one night before Saturday curled up crying to myself.

there's nobody I can really comfortably curl up with for long periods of time in DC (claire, you're not a snuggler - it's not the same when the other person wouldn't initiate it.)
there's nobody I can really comfortably curl up with for long periods of time in Oberlin (none who'll let me. none who have told me so.)
there's nobody I can really comfortably curl up with for long periods of time in Seattle (none who have told me unambiguously "yes. I will help you." none who I can guarantee I'll be able to meet up with.)

physical contact and security. You really wouldn't think it would be so hard, would you?

I so need to go to sleep in someone's arms without that haunting feeling that they're going to leave me. I so need to be able to keep memories of waking up next to somebody without having to remember "What Happened Afterwards".

Today I learned that something I'd decided to try, despite being near-impossible, has at least a minor chance of occuring.

So why aren't I looking forward to it?

<yoda> Possibilities lead to hope, hope leads to expectations. Expectations lead to disappointment.

tomorrow I pack up the remains of my life here, and go on to try a new life somewhere else, and hope I can hold that one together for a little longer than last time.