September 16th, 2002


(no subject)

"AUGH! This output makes no sense! It's totally impossible! Grrr. Okay, time to get down and fix it. I think the problem's in this area . . . it's the only area that makes even *remote* sense . . . *ponder*ponder*ponder* no, there's no *way* this area could be creating this problem. But the data's right coming in, and not coming out. Okay. So it's this area. I think I'll add some debug code."


"This debug output makes no sense at all! It's getting completely the wrong results! But I *still* don't see what could be causing it! Time for more debug output."


"This still makes no sense! It can't *make* these numbers! AUGH! . . . oh, wait. My debug code is wrong!"


"Great. Now I have a completely *different* set of impossible numbers."

This has just been one of those days. >_<

(I *still* don't know what's causing this problem. Did you know that the Euclidean distance between the vectors (168,251,255,133) and (0,66,86,118) is 3? Neither did I.)

i used to be polyamorous (once)

but it all comes down to trust.

because, see, some people use "polyamory" as a way to have sex with lots of people and get away with it. they say "oh, it's okay, I'm polyamorous!" and ignore the fact that they're hurting people. this is not the kind of polyamorous person i am. was.

the good kind do it because it's fun. but don't want to hurt anyone in the process. they make sure a casual thing is okay, and if they're going out with someone who isn't polyamorous, they either get permission, don't do it, or don't go out with them. problem solved.

so there's trust involved. on both sides.

trust is what i don't have.

almost every casual relationship for me has ended in pain. "i don't want to talk to you again." "i have more important things to do." "i've found someone better." if not in actual words, then in definite actions. i can't trust that other people won't cause me pain now. so i can't do it.

and then there's the other side. some people don't require it, but i do. if i am to be polyamorous, then whoever i'm with should be also. it's cleaner. it's easier. it's less painful in theory. except i can't handle that now. i'm already waiting for the dream to end. i'm already waiting for it to all shatter. and i don't even have a reason to.

i couldn't stand it if i knew exactly how it was going to happen.

so that's why i'm not polyamorous anymore.

maybe someday, when i can trust again.

maybe someday.
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