So I guess I should talk a bit about what's been going on in my life.
This weekend I went to another Topcoder thing. I made a truly idiotic mistake and basically ended up losing $20k (at least - possibly up to $50k). Oh well. Next time.
After that, Geli broke up with me.
She basically did it the exact same way everyone else has, the exact way she promised she wouldn't. She's fallen in love with someone else and she's left me . . . maybe not exactly *for* him, but that's still what it feels like. She dumped me when I needed her, she avoided me when I needed someone to talk to, she lied to me about important things.
I feel, once again, used and exploited. I talked with her when she needed someone, I showed her how to get out of a lousy situation, I did everything I could for her, and I get dumped once I'm no longer needed, once it's more convenient to do without me. Once again I've been lied to, once again by someone who promised that she wouldn't do the same things over again. Someone who I let into my mind all the way, who *knew* my fears and my philosophy and knew everything that happened before that I was scared would repeat. Guess what? It has. Surprise surprise.
Can anyone out there deny that maybe I've got cause to be a bit cynical?
And here I am alone again, and it hurts. I'm tired of people saying they love me. I'm tired of knowing that I'm going to be abandoned. I just want to be able to curl up with someone and relax, only now I'm doubting that's ever going to happen, because even if I do somehow find someone, the same thing will just happen.
*sighs* I feel numb, really, not hurting. I've been through this so many times that I'm just used to it. I just wish it was *over*.
Oh, it's worth mentioning that Geli can't see this entry, not because I don't want her to, but because she asked not to. I don't mind anyone mentioning it to her, but she might.