losing trust hurts.
who am I kidding, everything hurts.
I remember that a lot of my friends said they'd tell me if Naomi got in contact with them. She did, and they didn't. and yeah, it hurts, except i'm getting used to it enough so that i don't mind too much.
except maybe i'm being unreasonable here? Maybe they just forgot. I mean, yeah, it was important to me, but so what? Maybe it wasn't a promise. (maybe it was? i don't remember.) maybe promises aren't really important. maybe nobody really means them. or maybe it's just promises with me that aren't important. Or if it wasn't a promise, what then? because it was important, because I wanted to know, so that makes me think that things in general with me aren't important enough to care, which actually explains a great deal of my life right there. or maybe they just forgot, which is really the same thing.
i'm finding that i don't really want to go home. there's no reason to. there's nothing i really enjoy doing enough to care about it more than casually. work is interesting because i don't have to think about anything important, just solve an endless series of logic problems. i can do that. i can't do much else anymore, but i can do that.
it's just despair, i guess. nothing is going to change. I've been told it is over and over, but half the time it's the people who tell me things like that that end up hurting me. more than half, really. actually technically it would be the other way around, i think, everyone who's hurt me has said it was going to change.
so who can i trust? I guess that's the crux of the whole thing. if they say it will get better, they might hurt me. if they don't say it will get better, they won't hurt me . . . but then they're probably not a friend of mine either.
and everything is shutting down. one system after another is overloading and turning off. and I'm not even scared of it anymore. I just wish it would be over.