January 13th, 2003


(no subject)

it's strange. I find myself wanting to help people, but not being able to. sometimes I feel I could, maybe, if I spent the energy, but . . . part of me thinks "you know, it's not worth it. Keep it for yourself."

I'm really not sure if this is a good thing or not, but regardless, it's a Thing.

People have probably been thinking I'm better. I'm not sure. I'm dealing with it (this is Good) but perhaps only on the surface (this is Not. or is it?)

I've become a whole lot less tolerant of BS, and a whole lot less careful with people's feelings, I think. I will never attempt to hurt someone (that's an absolute) but if they get in my way and start poking at me, I'll poke back. And keep in mind that I'm still a lightning elemental. Don't make me poke you, or I'm not responsible for the char marks.

I've also started being a lot blunter about what I need in a relationship (or a friendship). Admittedly it's not much - well, not much for a friendship, a Relationship (wow I'm using a lot of capital letters today) is more complex. But I'm not going to get walked on yet again. I know what I need, and if I don't have it, it's not going to work on that level. Maybe dropping down to a different level would work, and I'll do that, but, hey. I'm me. Deal.

Oh yes. Lightning elemental. That reminds me. You know those self-images everyone has? Two of mine have changed recently, rather dramatically. First off is the basic lightning mage - once the lightning turned black, some of you might remember. (That was BAD. I was angry and hurting and ready to lash out at anyone.) Well, now it's just gone completely out of control - instead of being reined in and harnessed, it's, well, acting like a pissed off thunderbolt. Which I suppose is accurate, actually, which is one of the major reasons I maintain these self-images - they give me a really good idea of what's going on in my head. (burning starship, careening towards a planet, energy blasts tearing hole after hole in the armor, pieces tearing off and incinerating almost instantly . . . that one wasn't fun. just glad it's over.) (She turned me into a newt!)

That's the other one, incidentally - it used to be a sort of star fortress. Now it's turned into a cross between the Lady Mac and a Yalmaha. (Just don't ask, okay? :P) I figure if I can't block attacks, I can dodge them, and this way I can get in close enough to strike back.

Yes, I'm pretty close to the point where I'll start enjoying revenge. Maybe this is a bad thing. But as previously mentioned, maybe not.

Maybe it's just a Thing.

(I got better.)

(you know, anyone who reads this entry as the first thing they see about me is going to totally freak. it's actually kind of amusing.)
  • Current Mood
    quixotic quixotic

(no subject)

The Fundamental Theorem of Linear Optimization:

If an optimal feasible vector exists, then there is a feasible basic vector that is optimal.

Sometimes I really feel sorry for math majors.

(no subject)

Due to a pair of unrelated Johns, I appear to have both a date and a working algorithm for minimizing a function with nonlinear constraints.

Neither of them are finalized yet, but hopefully soon.
  • Current Mood
    weird weird

(no subject)

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

how did *that* happen?
  • Current Mood
    confused confused