July 9th, 2004


(no subject)

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. music score: 19
2. math score: 16
3. reading score: 13
4. books score: 13
5. programming score: 13
6. logic score: 12
7. movies score: 12
8. computers score: 12
9. sex score: 11
10. orgasms score: 10
11. cryptography score: 10
12. fractals score: 10
13. sleeping score: 9
14. interesting (odd) people score: 9
15. cuddle slutting score: 9
16. learning score: 9
17. sleep score: 9
18. puns score: 9
19. food score: 9
20. maintaining friendships score: 9

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I especially like #10. Now I'm starting to wonder which unusual interests exactly it's looking at.

(no subject)

I keep thinking it hasn't been that long since my last relationship. Just a few months, right?

Except I was in New York for the past half-year, and I know it was before that.

And I was living at the Latona address for the half-year before that - and I know it was before that.

And that puts me at June again, and I know it was later than June. So it was . . . almost two years.

I hate being lonely. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like there's nobody I want to talk to - the few people I can talk to, I've leaned on so much that even I'm getting annoyed with myself. Yeah, okay, so I'm not getting the feeling that anyone wants me to stop - except *I* want me to stop. It's like I don't even have anything useful to say anymore.

But I open Trillian, and look at the list of people, and think there's nobody here I want to chat with about anything more meaningful than web games. And the next step is, of course, figure out who I want to chat with and set up an alert so I can talk to them . . .

. . . that's the point where I realize there literally isn't anyone. It's divided into two basic groups: "People I Don't Know" and "People I've Known For Years".

I guess I need to meet new people. Except I'm trying that too, and realizing that it's utterly impossible for me to let anyone in. It's not just that I put walls up - it's that I put walls up, and I've gotten so good at segmenting my mind off and bending space around the parts I don't want to talk about that nobody could possibly realize it without me telling them. (And I bet that if someone who doesn't know me reads this, then talks to me online, they won't be able to figure out what they're getting shunted away from.)

I hate staring vicious circles in the metaphorical face.

Well, it's not like I can do anything about it. Either it'll fix itself in time, or it won't. Que sera sera. And if it doesn't, well, maybe I'll do better next time around.
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