|Saturday, August 29th, 2009|
I've been thinking lately about the issues I seem to have with relationships.
Alright. Technically that is a lie. I've been thinking about it for something near to a decade. Let us pretend I did not have to admit that.
I've thought of two things that might be problems, in the sense that it would explain some of the issues without offering a real clear method of solving them.
#1: I Am A Chameleon.
See, I'm Interested. Capital I. Perpetually, unceasingly, irrevocably. If you have a subject you know a lot about I will talk to you about it. You want to talk about baseball strategy? I will listen and learn. Endangered frog breeding? Tell me about it. Largescale pest control? I would like to know more!
And this is not a lie, in any sense. I am interested in everything.
But that doesn't mean I want to spend my life on any of those things. Passing interest, absolutely, I'll sit there and chat about it for hours or even days if you're a good conversationalist, but sooner or later I'm gonna buckle down and go back to imagination, worldbuilding, and games, for at least the next few centuries.
And I think, perhaps, people do not realize this. That in a long-term sense I might do better if I pretended I was not interested in what they have to say.
Which is not something I plan to do. So . . . no obvious solution, and I'm not sure if this is really a problem or not. But it couples nicely with the next issue, which is that
#2: I Am A Catalyst.
People change around me. Perpetually, unceasingly, irrevocably.
I've got a running joke now that if you want to find the love of your life, all you have to do is go out with me for four months and you'll find them.
Which is sadly true, but I don't think it's because of Murphy. I think it's because people near me tend to start homing in what they want to do. Y'see, I take a simple, no-nonsense view of the world. Are you enjoying your life? If not, why are you doing it? No, you don't need a fancy car and a nice house, why would you need that? Have fun. Do something you enjoy. Take a road trip, live off the land, you know how much money you need to live? It's actually not very much. Figure out who you are and be that person, fully and completely.
So people who hang out with me, for long periods of time . . . well, I've seen it. Many times. They break down what they think they ought to be and start being who they want to be. (With mixed results.) I'm not claiming this is all me, of course - it can't be, it has to be mostly them or it's not real. But I think I tend to prod people in that direction just by being who I am.
#1 + #2: Boom
So we've got:
* They think I'm interested, in a life-long sense, in the same stuff they are.
* They start changing themselves to focus more on what they want out of life.
* They find out that, whoops, really I just like writing video games.
And it goes downhill from there.
I don't know if this is the case. But it feels right.
And all this said . . . I don't know how to fix it or, indeed, if it can be fixed, or, indeed, if I want to fix it. I enjoy who I am. I enjoy being interested in everything. And I would certainly never take someone who I cared about and intentionally deny them a greater chance of finding self-satisfaction.
(Bonus points for spotting the Starship Troopers reference before I mentioned its existence.)
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