The first of problems with it is what happens if that Something doesn't happen. I've put too much of myself into that. maybe it's the only thing I have to look forward to in the vague future. maybe it's the only thing I have to look forward to. but it's all I have left and it's what I'm betting a lot of my sanity on. which is not a good state to be in.
The second of problems is that it never happens.
admittedly this ignores all probability calculations. Somewhere it must have happened, right? Actually, yes - it did happen once. Once. Out of, like, five or six times I've been betting on it.
one maybe a week ago. one a few months ago. one a few months before that. one just a few months before *that*. one a year and a quarter ago.
and this one.
what do I have left?
I've mentioned it before. I'm running out of options. Like, if life doesn't go basically how I have it planned for the next two months . . . that's it. I've got at most two chances left and then I'm out of things to do. I'm out of places I can put myself that don't involve a complete mental breakdown.
some people can change how they feel about themselves. I'm backwards - I can tell what kind of state I'm in by my self-image. Usually I've got a bright haze around me. sometimes it branches and forks and makes lightning.
a while back the lightning turned black . . . that was bad. someone helped me after about a week and I found it was light again.
then for a little bit it completely vanished. but someone pulled me up again.
now it's arcing across my arms and my body and leaving burn marks on my clothes. I don't know what it means.
three chances. this one and two others. and all of them are guarantees. all of them are things I've been promised or places I know I can go without reservation.
so were the other six. and only one of them actually happened.
(now counting down.)