Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt
zorbathut

  • Mood:

i don't like being in this mode

I've been in this mode before. and it never ever ends well. never. it's that mode where I'm stretching myself to hold on, because Something is just around the corner that will make things better for a while. And I'm holding on with all my strength because I know that there's this specific Something that's going to happen.

The first of problems with it is what happens if that Something doesn't happen. I've put too much of myself into that. maybe it's the only thing I have to look forward to in the vague future. maybe it's the only thing I have to look forward to. but it's all I have left and it's what I'm betting a lot of my sanity on. which is not a good state to be in.

The second of problems is that it never happens.

admittedly this ignores all probability calculations. Somewhere it must have happened, right? Actually, yes - it did happen once. Once. Out of, like, five or six times I've been betting on it.

one maybe a week ago. one a few months ago. one a few months before that. one just a few months before *that*. one a year and a quarter ago.

and this one.

what do I have left?

I've mentioned it before. I'm running out of options. Like, if life doesn't go basically how I have it planned for the next two months . . . that's it. I've got at most two chances left and then I'm out of things to do. I'm out of places I can put myself that don't involve a complete mental breakdown.

some people can change how they feel about themselves. I'm backwards - I can tell what kind of state I'm in by my self-image. Usually I've got a bright haze around me. sometimes it branches and forks and makes lightning.

a while back the lightning turned black . . . that was bad. someone helped me after about a week and I found it was light again.

then for a little bit it completely vanished. but someone pulled me up again.

now it's arcing across my arms and my body and leaving burn marks on my clothes. I don't know what it means.

three chances. this one and two others. and all of them are guarantees. all of them are things I've been promised or places I know I can go without reservation.

so were the other six. and only one of them actually happened.

(now counting down.)
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