and by friday i have to write another essay on a book that i have another hundred pages of to read. (i will turn it in late, because i have ten late days in this class none of which i have yet used.)
on thursday i leave for MIT in theory with skycrashesdown and my mind keeps running over every possible thing that could go wrong that will end up in me being alone (which i would not be able to handle at this point.)
i have missed a test for a class by accident and i must talk to the teacher about it on tuesday or fail the class. and hope i can retake it. (otherwise i fail the class.)
i missed another test in a different class. that one i cannot retake. with any luck it will not cause me to fail.
i have to come up with outlines for three essays for another class because i have a sheet of four essays, two of which he will pick in about two weeks for a test, and i will have to pick one of those two to write, in that class.
in three weeks i have yet another essay due, also for a book with about a hundred pages left.
i have not done my math homework for three weeks - i am hoping i am learning enough in class to do well in the future essays. (luckily homework is not graded.)
i was planning to get a good start on this stuff after break, really i was. but then bad things happened that hurt though i was expecting them (and no i'm not blaming you) and then my motherboard died and took a hard drive with it and i didn't have my computer for a week so i hid in the public lab and tried to keep myself together and failed. and i had to go wake up jude in the middle of the night to tell me that everything would work out (but it's not.)
and you broke up with your love (and you. and you.)
and you are worried about your cousin
and you just saw your mother lose control (and i don't even know you and yet i'm worried/concerned/caring because that's just what i do)
and you don't know if anyone cares about you
and you i don't know if you're talking to me still or if i hurt you (and how many people am i talking about?)
and you are still fighting with getting your life in order
and it's ironic because some people would take this to mean that they shouldn't come to me with their problems but it would be even worse if i didn't know, because i can take other people's pain and help them with it and distract myself from my own problems
(but that means nothing gets done)
but at least i'm staying together, right?
(and i need to rent a storage facility. and i need to figure out how i'm getting home. and i still don't know if i have a job. and i need to rma the dead motherboard and hard drive before the warranties expire. and i have a group project that we haven't even figured out what we're doing yet. and i cannot think of any of this because i need to keep myself sane only i cannot keep myself sane because there is too much stuff to think about.)
everyone seems to be falling apart