because when i reach out, people start liking me for some reason.
and people that like me get hurt.
sometimes (often) because i hurt them in some way.
sometimes because i hurt myself.
sometimes because i just hurt.
sometimes because i come to talk to them and sometimes because i don't.
and if i was the one who started the friendship, if i was the one who posted the comment or started talking on aim or sent the first email, then it's because of me that they got hurt.
so i just won't do that anymore.
i can't be responsible anymore. it just hurts too much. it hurts too much knowing that it's my fault.
it hurts too much knowing that just writing this will hurt people.
and it hurts too much knowing that not writing this would hurt people too.
i can't get out anymore. there's no escape there's no way out there's no solution.
and i know that tomorrow maybe i'll be feeling better somehow and maybe i'll feel there's some point to all this again but i'll still have to deal with yet another person who probably never wants to talk to me again (which makes how many now? i've lost count.)
and if i hadn't started the conversation with her . . .
so that's it. no more. it will hurt to see people in pain. but at least i won't contribute anymore.
and once nobody actively wants to talk to me anymore, then i won't have to worry about hurting anybody ever again.