this is me, this is my life, this is my journal, these are my thoughts.
this is the person who spent two weeks waiting for someone, being promised all the time that it'd be over soon, only to have them run off to Hawaii. (yeah. some over.)
this is the person who spent a week waiting for someone else, a year later. Guess what I was promised that time?
this is the person who actually fucking believed someone when they said that promises were really important to them.
And then did it all again with the next person.
And then, even after they'd broken two or three promises, was still willing to forgive them.
why, you ask. Why would I do such a colossally stupid thing. Because I've got few enough people I can trust anyway, and if I start doubting I won't stop. What sets them apart from the people who haven't broken my trust yet?
Of course, that's just as dumb of a question, because I just answered it.
is it any wonder I have no self-image whatsoever? Is it any wonder that my definition of "useful" is described almost entirely in terms of what I can't do?
Mistress Eleri: heyas. *snuggles.*
ZorbaTHut: hey *hugs*
Mistress Eleri: how're you doing?
ZorbaTHut: eh :/
Mistress Eleri: *hugs you tight.* what's up?
ZorbaTHut: *sighs* nothing new. just remembering what happened a few weeks ago :/
Mistress Eleri: mrf. *cuddles.*
ZorbaTHut: she's inviting him to Seattle, and the darkly amusing part is that after being there, like, one day, he'll have spent more time with her than I have.
ZorbaTHut: sheesh, he may already have done so.
Mistress Eleri: oh, lovely. :/
ZorbaTHut: yeah. ain't life great?
Mistress Eleri: *shakes her head, and holds you close.*
ZorbaTHut: sure shows me where I stand in the world.
Mistress Eleri: it sucks. but you can't take it that way. :/
ZorbaTHut: why not? you and Claire would be the only people in the last two years who didn't find something more interesting to do when you'd said you'd spend time with me.
ZorbaTHut: "something more interesting", like, ya know, sleep. or basically anything else.
Mistress Eleri: that just means you keep picking girls who don't deserve it. :P
ZorbaTHut: *shakes head* I couldn't be picking this badly randomly if I was trying. it's not just the wrong people.
Mistress Eleri: you're not picking randomly.
ZorbaTHut: no, I'm starting only with people who say they care about me.
Mistress Eleri: you're picking the kind of person who attracts you and whom you feel you have a chance with - broken birds. the problem with that is that they're mostly too broken to be good partners.
ZorbaTHut: nobody else is gonna want me by now :P I'm not exactly fully functioning either.
Mistress Eleri: of course we say we care about you - we can't spend time with you and not come to care. but you're narrowing the field by spending time with people you feel you deserve - who mostly are much less than you deserve.
Mistress Eleri: and you might not be perfectly functioning but A) that just means you *need* to be around someone who's healthier than you and B) even broken, you're still a damn sight better partner than most of the supposedly healthy males I've dated.
ZorbaTHut: only I don't know how to find anyone else. and I'd always be waiting for the day they discover that I'm not what they thought I was.
ZorbaTHut: which probably wouldn't take very long either.
Mistress Eleri: you're presuming that they wouldn't know going in what your hangups are.
Mistress Eleri: and if you go in that way, then no, it won't work. but believe me, somebody can know your failings and still love you.
ZorbaTHut: *sighs* I find that just a bit hard to believe.
Mistress Eleri: truly? are you under the impression that I think you're perfect? I don't, you know.
ZorbaTHut: and tell me honestly that you weren't a broken bird when we first met.
Mistress Eleri: I still *am* a broken bird. it just proves my point. we're the only ones you spend time with.
ZorbaTHut: that's because everyone else has better things to do :P
Mistress Eleri: that's untrue.
ZorbaTHut: the evidence is against you.
Mistress Eleri: it is true, though, that someone who is healthy won't fall apart because you don't spend time with them. therefore all the healthy people you could be spending time with but aren't have *other* things to do. not *better,* just different.
Mistress Eleri: someone who gets involved with you and then aviods you is not only broken but dangerously thoughtless, by the way.
Mistress Eleri: having just come out of that with R... I can understand why he'd do it, but that doesn't mean it's not wrong.
Mistress Eleri: *hugs you tightly.*
ZorbaTHut: *hugs back*
Mistress Eleri: what is it you want, Ben? what is it you're searching for so hard?
ZorbaTHut: I don't know. security, now.
Mistress Eleri: only?
ZorbaTHut: if I can't survive, the rest's pretty secondary :/
Mistress Eleri: yes, I suppose it is.
Mistress Eleri: what do you mean by security?
ZorbaTHut: just knowing that if I'm breaking they'll be there to hold me. that I won't have to live in constant fear that they'll leave me any day.
Mistress Eleri: *sighs softly.*
Mistress Eleri: that still seems to me like too little to ask for. :/
ZorbaTHut: well, I don't seem to be able to get it. so maybe it's too much.
and this is the point where you decide I hurt you too much and you're better off without me (and ya know what, i'd agree with you), or this is the point where you decide I'm hurting her too much and you want to protect her from me (and ya know what, i'd agree with that too) and what's the alternative? feeling myself burning out piece by piece. i'm already pretty sure i don't have enough left to pull through (so, hey, what difference does it make if i lose more?)
the really ironic part is that there's somebody I know in Seattle right now who cares about me and trusts me a lot and wants to spend time with me and we've never met and ya know what? I can't. I can't do it again. Because it'll be maybe a month if I'm lucky, a few hours if I'm not, and then she'll be tired of me and she'll get rid of me and I will be right back where I started once again only even worse off.
so, solution: don't trust her enough to help me?
that's not a solution.
but what I was doing before didn't work. so hey.
i'm probably gonna hurt people with this. well i didn't mean to. and i'm just fed up with everything.