Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt
zorbathut

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greenity:saw edward scissorhands after we came home. have you seen that movie?
ZorbaTHut:long time ago . . . I remember absolutely loving it. I need to see it again :/
greenity:it's good, but depressing, in that the moral of the story is basically that
people are bad

ZorbaTHut:quite often I feel like I agree with that >_<
greenity:yeah, i think it's very a la the way you feel
ZorbaTHut:eh. I'm getting too cynical.
greenity:that's too bad
greenity:understandable
greenity:entirely understandable
greenity:but too bad nonetheless
ZorbaTHut:*nods* yeah.
ZorbaTHut:there's this girl I know very well, we get along great, we're good friends, and I want to tell her
that I love her (as a friend) . . . but I'm realizing I can't.

ZorbaTHut:it sucks.
greenity:why?
ZorbaTHut:I'm just too tired of "me> I love you. her> I'm sorry, I don't want to be around you any more.
me> Damn."

greenity:sigh. "i love you" are really powerful words in the english language.
sometimes, they're too strong and have an adverse effect

greenity:so perhaps you're right in refraining from saying it
ZorbaTHut:"sometimes" isn't the way I'd put it :/
greenity:you live and you learn
greenity:keep it to yourself
greenity:what are you gonna lose from not saying it out loud?
ZorbaTHut:her knowing how much she means to me.
greenity:it's possible that she does anyway
greenity:and that these words are unnecessary
ZorbaTHut:just . . . "possible". lots of things are possible. it doesn't mean they're true.


</i>ZorbaTHut: I wonder if I'll ever figure out how to control this energy properly :/
Mistress Eleri: which energy?
ZorbaTHut: mental energy, emotional energy . . . whatever it is that I can barely hold in sometimes.
Mistress Eleri: Mm.
ZorbaTHut: sometimes it's not there at all, sometimes it does what I want . . . sometimes it's like this and it's just pushing out and it's taking everything I've got to keep from doing something bad.
Mistress Eleri: something bad, like what?
ZorbaTHut: *shrugs* blowing up at someone I care about. saying something I regret. hurting someone. hurting myself. burning out. (again.)
</i>ZorbaTHut: it feels like a vandograph generator. enormous amount of power built up just waiting to blast something out of the air, and I'm shielding around it.
Mistress Eleri: mrf. want to let off some opf that steam here, instead? what's going on?
ZorbaTHut: *sighs* nothing new whatsoever.
eMistress Eleri: tell me anyway.
ZorbaTHut:
ZorbaTHut: *sighs* you haven't watched every single one of your dreams get smashed systematically one by one.
ZorbaTHut: a month and a half ago I was saying that I was feeling like this was my last chance. like I had one more opportunity, one more thing to hope for, and then . . . then it was just empty.
ZorbaTHut: and then that thing broke.
ZorbaTHut: and I'm slowly realizing that I'm just going through the motions. it's all empty, there's no point . . . I'm just running on inertia because I don't have anything else left.

ZorbaTHut: only I don't think that was right. I've got inertia and I've got this energy I can't control.
Mistress Eleri: Mm.
ZorbaTHut: too far to one side and I completely die out, there isn't anything left and it's just all crushed in and it'll never get out again. black hole. too far to the other side and I explode and burn out. supernova. supernovas don't last long.
Mistress Eleri: what do you *want* to do?
ZorbaTHut: I want to curl up in someone's arms and not have to think for a very very long time.
ZorbaTHut: because if I could, then I could shut down in a way where I could get back.
Mistress Eleri: mrf. *snuggles.*
ZorbaTHut: *hugs*
ZorbaTHut: in all honesty, I don't understand in the least how I've held on this long. this is just how I knew it would end, this is how I knew it would feel when everything started burning out. only everything was *supposed* to be gone months ago.
ZorbaTHut: I've died three times now. I can feel it. Everything went wrong and flared up and I somehow turned it inwards and collapsed in further and it just got brighter but kept itself contained, only it wasn't the same person anymore.
Mistress Eleri: you're stronger than you give yourself credit for, love.
ZorbaTHut: this can't last forever.



I can't think of anything to write here.
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