Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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i like pleasure spiked with pain

haven't been writing much recently.

I guess some of it is just that I don't have much to say. The parts of me that aren't the emotional parts are just doing stuff. Working at a games company is fun. Moving in is dull, but also coming along. Life is functioning, even if I can't say any more than that.

The parts that are emotional . . . well, some of it is hoping for the next possibility. Some of it is knowing that the next possibility won't work. I'm feeling scarred and more than a little angry and definitely willing to bite back next time. (cornered dog.) I'm feeling like I want to take the offensive next time - that next time I'm not going to just let it happen to me.

I don't know, though. will it help? if I expect it to fall apart . . . will I hurt things by going on the offensive?

and I do expect everything to fall apart. I just always act like I don't, because that way I might not have to feel like it's my fault.

Mental partitioning. Have I talked about that on here?

Modern computer CPUs have the ability to sort of . . . split. Multitasking, really. Each program is completely seperate, as far as it's concerned, from the rest of the computer . . . they've got a little interface and not much else. So you can run three copies of a single app without any of them knowing a thing about each other.

Oddly enough, I can do the same thing with my mind . . . I can break it in two and set one half of it to be something else. I can attempt to predict how someone feels, how someone will react . . . well, that's an entirely different entry.

In any case. Even though I expect it to not work, I can act like I expect it to work, because the part of me that acts expects it to work.

Does that make any sense?

in any case. Life is continuing, somehow . . . and I guess I'm just waiting to find out what happens next.
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