because, see, some people use "polyamory" as a way to have sex with lots of people and get away with it. they say "oh, it's okay, I'm polyamorous!" and ignore the fact that they're hurting people. this is not the kind of polyamorous person i am. was.
the good kind do it because it's fun. but don't want to hurt anyone in the process. they make sure a casual thing is okay, and if they're going out with someone who isn't polyamorous, they either get permission, don't do it, or don't go out with them. problem solved.
so there's trust involved. on both sides.
trust is what i don't have.
almost every casual relationship for me has ended in pain. "i don't want to talk to you again." "i have more important things to do." "i've found someone better." if not in actual words, then in definite actions. i can't trust that other people won't cause me pain now. so i can't do it.
and then there's the other side. some people don't require it, but i do. if i am to be polyamorous, then whoever i'm with should be also. it's cleaner. it's easier. it's less painful in theory. except i can't handle that now. i'm already waiting for the dream to end. i'm already waiting for it to all shatter. and i don't even have a reason to.
i couldn't stand it if i knew exactly how it was going to happen.
so that's why i'm not polyamorous anymore.
maybe someday, when i can trust again.