I mean, on top there's the obvious stuff. You knew. You knew everything. You knew how much it would hurt me, you knew that it had happened before, and you did it anyway. Wondering whether it was real, whether it meant anything to her at all . . . and clearly it did because she's hurting, but then why did she do it all this way? (and that spins off an entire extra set of "I wish she wasn't hurting" secondaries, but that's another post altogether.) And there's wondering what *happened*. I tried, as hard as I could. You avoided me. You stayed away from me, you didn't come home, you lied to me, what went wrong?
What did I do wrong?
and that chains into the obvious. What did I do wrong last time? And the time before that? And the time before that? And, oh wait, I think I've got one more "time before that" left that I can use. Why do I always end up dumped for someone better? What do I do wrong? you left me and found him, and when you found him, you forgot about me. What horrible unforgivable mistake do I keep making?
and I don't know. I wish I knew, I keep thinking about it, but I can't figure it out. I've tried every combination I can think of. can I spend more time with you? I don't mind if you want time on your own. *pounce*. what, you think I need constant physical contact? I'll be okay *laugh*. I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. I'll always be okay . . . no matter what you do . . . just don't hurt me. please . . . not again. and nothing works. I'm losing track of who I am.
once upon a time I used capital letters for myself. then I didn't feel capital, so I stopped. but then I forgot who I was, and people seemed to like capital letters more, so I started again.
I just wish I could find someone to rely on, someone who would never have to know anything about me, but who would trust in me and believe in me and let me not need her at all.
I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.