see, i used to be able to say that i'd never closed off part of my journal to anyone who hadn't requested it. only with this entry i can't say that anymore.
maybe it's for the best. honesty is overrated.
in two days i might be looking for a new place to live. i set up a meeting (because i had to. there wasn't any other option. this way at least i can say i tried.) and of course i already know it's not going to go well. see, i'm the only one with something to lose. it's my name on the lease. it's my money that's loaned out. it's my name on all the bills. i'm the one who would have the most trouble leaving.
and it's all because i tried to help out, which clearly is stupid. i tried to pull this together and i tried to make it work.
you'd think i would learn eventually. trying to do good doesn't help. it just hurts.
and so once again i've been used. two days until it's over and i can try again, though why i would want to i can't imagine. i wonder how long it's going to take for the cries of "i can't believe you hurt me like that" to start (i don't imagine it will be long.)
a bunch of people added me recently. i don't know why. but this is me. this is what i am when i'm hurting. in a few days i'll be better, i'll be burning hot again and pushing away the ones who hurt me this time. and people will say i'm better off without them, that they don't know why i'd be hurt like that. and they'll talk about how the people who hurt me were people i never should have been friends with to begin with. only nobody will stop being friends with them except me, and then it will just go another level. and another.
someday it'll be you, deciding that i treated you badly, and you won't want anything to do with me. and i'll push you away also, because that's all i can do now.
this game will be finished in eleven months or so. i fully expect to be living on my own by then. after it's finished, i'll put most of my belongings in storage, pack up what i need to survive, and vanish for a year. and maybe somehow pull myself together. though i doubt it.
there's the fundamental split. i'm an optimist because i'll try anything, and hope it will work . . . i'm a cynic because i don't believe anything will.
apologies in advance to anyone i will hurt.