Sometimes . . .
it's strange. I'm getting better at it. At first, I couldn't understand people's positions . . . then I could understand them, and see it from their side . . . now . . .
I do that mental twist that puts me in someone else's shoes, and the entire *world* is different, and I have no idea where it's coming from. It's just not the sort of things that I could possibly have gotten from what they say - at least some of it must be subconscious processing. I think. I really have no idea anymore. Like, suddenly different areas of the world take on completely different priorities - parts that I always associated one feeling with, thunk! suddenly have different meaning attached. It's really weird.
And I have no idea where that entry came from, actually, that was rather strange in itself. Um. What I was *going* to say was . . .
I was thinking about my ex a few hours ago (while watching Jaws. Read into this what you wish.) and it occured to me that I bet she thinks I'm avoiding her.
After all, I've presumably been home for a week and a half.
At which point Heronblue added "and you haven't been on ICQ either."
"Well, yeah, but neither has she, remember?"
I do wonder what's going on with her now. She probably (probably? try certainly) wouldn't believe me if I said I still cared about her . . . even though I do.
Promises . . . I promised her a lot of things. I promised I wouldn't kill myself. I promised I'd always love her. I promised that I'd erase the phone number I could reach her at . . .
Broken promises . . . I only broke one promise to her, ever, and I still feel bad about it, but . . .
Yeah. I do still love her, just for a different definition of love. (you insane hopeless romantic you.) And I can see her side of it . . . sort of. It's twisted, and ignores large sections of what happened, and makes illogical jumps all over the place . . . which of course I don't recognize when I'm projecting . . . and I don't have a clue how accurate it is, also of course.
I'm not sure what I'm rambling on about at this point. I think it's time for this entry to end. Maybe I should try those ten-minute stream-of-consciousness entries at some point . . .
cathexis, can I ask you to do a single instance of spying? I'm curious as to whether my ex comes to any gang get-togethers . . . there'll be a grand showdown at some point, I suppose (I still have to get my books back, after all, and some of those were incredibly hard to find) . . . but it'd be nice to have at least a vague idea of when I can expect it . . . if it's no, it's okay :)
anyway. can't believe DC is almost half over already. I want more time here . . .