Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

I've been thinking about some of my fears lately.

One of the most major of them - if not *the* most major of them - is that constant nagging fear that I'll be replaced. I wish I could say that it was unfounded, but if it was unfounded, it probably wouldn't be quite this nasty. Whether it's getting dumped for some guy across an ocean that the person has fallen in love with, or getting dumped for some guy that they just met thanks to me (that the person has fallen in love with), or getting dumped for a guy that the person has known since before she even came to be in the same city as me (that, you guessed it, the person has fallen in love with), it's just one of those recurring factors in my life.

So it comes as a bit of a surprise when I'm *not* replaced, and I'm always waiting for the catch. Saying "I'm not getting rid of you" really doesn't help because I've heard it before and seen how little it means. Saying "I still love you" (or anything along those lines) is, if anything, *less* effective. I'm just too used to getting dumped for the Latest and Greatest, which is invariably not me.

And here's where there's a bit of a split. Because part of me is thinking "And if I ever actually found out why, maybe it would be better, but I never do - I get vague meaningless comments and null statements instead of an explanation." Except sometimes I do get an explanation. But here's where it gets weird - I get contradictory explanations, I get paradoxes, I get obvious rewrites of history, sometimes multiple times in one conversation. It's like they're not even the same person I knew, it's like they threw away everything they were after leaving me.

Great. Now I've got a little voice in my head saying "because you tainted them".

This is a *real* improvement. </sarcasm>

So I suppose that's the real painful part. That once they decide they don't like me, it's like they never did. It's like they're not even the person I knew - the person I cared for, the person I loved with all my heart, is dead. And the person that's taken their place can't stand to be around me.

Is it any wonder I'm a bit paranoid about this?

I can count a grand total of one person that pulled away from me and actually came back to the point where I could trust them. And three that are "on probation", so to speak. And I don't even want to count how many left me entirely . . . far too many. And I never get the chance to close it off on my own - they're just *gone*. Most of the time they won't even talk to me again (or if they do decide to talk, they quickly change their mind) (often giving the aforementioned vague meaningless history-rewriting answers). It's just unanswered emails and ignored IMs.

About two months ago I wrote someone else off. I didn't bother mentioning it to anyone. It didn't seem important. I mean, I had a crush on her once, she seemed like she wanted to be friends, but . . . eh. It's me, therefore it wouldn't have worked . . . so it's not really worth burning a lot of energy on.

Unanswered emails and ignored IMs.

Maybe I'm getting too used to it . . . or maybe I'm not used to it enough.

Only a matter of time, I suppose.
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