Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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You know, the thing that makes me the angriest is that she *knew* what she was doing. She knew my fears, she knew my weaknesses, and the only possible way she wouldn't have known that she was in the process of completely destroying me would be if she never even bothered to think about it.

Which is entirely possible.

I also find it highly amusing that I was able to make predictions several months in advance. "no, don't worry, I'm not going to go out with him" - yeah right. Surprise surprise, it's exactly like my first girlfriend, except in that case I didn't provide housing to someone who needed to run across the country to get away from a bad situation . . .

Oh. Wait. I did.

I remember when I told her I loved her. It wasn't easy. I wasn't sure I could trust *anyone*. I wasn't sure I could risk it. She knew how I felt, she knew I couldn't trust.

Now, of course . . . hah. There's one or two people I'd like to say "I love you as a friend" to. Can't. Totally impossible. I've tried, I can't even start. So it goes. And even those people I don't trust . . . it's this constant polling making sure that I'm not going out of my way too much for them, because if I am, they're taking advantage of me. Yeah, I'd love to help you, but what's in it for me? Yeah, I sort of love you . . . can't say it, though, so I guess you'll never know.

It's probably for the best. This way you can't hurt me.

I've mentioned it to a few people. I'm getting bitter, I'm getting intolerant. I'm closing off tighter all the time . . . the circle of people I trust is collapsing. I'm tired of being betrayed. If someone promises me they'll do something for me, I laugh inside and file it under "promises that will be broken". And you know what? It goes two ways. I'm not going out of the way for most of my friends anymore, because they're obviously not willing to go out of the way for me.

When I started going out with her, a lot of people said that they'd hate her if she hurt me. They said it to me, they said it to her. "You'd better not do the same thing every other one did. You'd better be good to him."

Well guess what. She did the same thing. She hurt me. She's the latest in the string of people who've nearly destroyed me, and I honestly don't know how I've survived.

And you're all still friends with her.

Gee, thanks for backing me up.

And this is the point where everyone tries to justify it to themselves, or gets angry with me for making demands. You know what? I'm not making demands. I don't mind your choice. It's your choice. I'm not insisting that people stop being her friend. I'm not insisting that people start firebombing her or anything. I'm not insisting anything, in fact. Just don't act surprised when I don't trust you. Don't act surprised when I make it very clear that you're no longer on my trusted-friends list.

Said list is currently less than a dozen, incidentally - how much less depends on what mood I'm in.

So there you have it. Hi. This is me. I'm distrustful, I'm damaged, I'm completely insane. (I do, in fact, consider myself insane at this point.) I remember when people hurt me, and I don't forgive easily. (Yes, it's possible. No, it's not going to happen if you decide to just pretend it never happened, or tell me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do.)

And I'm fed up with the entire universe.
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