Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

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on hugs and trust

I used to have this incredibly strong urge for physical contact. I was a snuggler, that's all there is to it. I wanted someone to curl up with, I wanted just to be in contact with someone while I watched a movie . . .

Now it's still there. (What a great contrast :P) But now it's suppressed. Life has taught me that when someone says "I want to snuggle with you", what they actually mean is "I don't want to snuggle with you, but I don't want to say it". Life has taught me that anyone I end up in a relationship with will end up using me - whether it's broken promises or demands that I don't like but can't rationally refuse, that's still how it ends up.

So now I don't. I still want it, and it's almost physically painful to know that *maybe*, if I asked, I could hug someone for a while . . . but I can't ask, because there's no way it can end up good. And it doesn't matter if I get reassurances from friends, because I've had those before, and they don't help. (If anything, they hurt - it ensures that my friends will still like whoever hurt me.) It doesn't matter if I get reassurances from the other person, because I've had those before too, and they never had even the slightest effect. Broken promises.

So now I'm alone. There's four people I can trust even slightly, that I can lean on without my brain screaming at me. Grandfather clause. There's four people I can snuggle with - not the same four people - three of them grandfathered, one of them I'm always on guard with.

Even when I'm relaxed, I'm constantly scanning for threats - emotional or physical, it doesn't matter.

It makes it very hard to relax . . . and there's this constant mindshattering urge to find someone I can relax with.

Ain't gonna happen.
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