Zorba the Hutt (zorbathut) wrote,
Zorba the Hutt

excerpt of ancient conversation

ZorbaTHut: I still haven't told Geli that I love her . . . I think I do . . . but I'm still putting a lot at stake, because it's Another Try.
ZorbaTHut: if she tears me apart like every other one has, well . . . it's going to be pretty hard to survive. and if she's telling the truth about what I mean to her, then it's going to be hard for her to survive also. but . . . sometimes you've just got to *try*.

And here I am, tangling with near-unbearable mental issues, and she's, oh, let me find the quote . . .

"I'm still in shock that I'm now entering into a long-term committed relationship."

Ah. Of course. Because you haven't been in one of those before.

I was mentioning to someone that my entire life seems dedicated to making me as distrustful and cynical as possible. See, if my life was much worse, I would have killed myself *long* ago. As it is, it's hovering right on the edge of survivability, but it's still accumulating as many of *these* incidents as it can.

Oh well. On Friday I'm going to go meet with her for food, and I don't really expect to see her again after that, because I doubt she'll understand why I feel betrayed, and I doubt she'll want to put any work into being friends again.

And if even she does, I'm not sure I do.

I'm thinking of getting out of Seattle. Permanently. I've been here too long. Yeah, I've got friends here, but . . . eh, I just want a change. I'm sick of Seattle, I'm sick of the entire city being apparently filled with passive-aggressive egocentric activists (not the *entire* city. just *most* of the city.), and I want to try a different coast. Actually I kinda want to try a different continent, but that's tougher. I'm here through the end of the year, and if this thing at MS works out I might end up coming back. Or I might decide it's not worth it - so far the recruiters I've talked to have seemed quite certain that I should want to work at MS simply because it pays well and it's MS ("and MS is, of course, the BEST COMPNY EVAR!!!!1111") and have totally ignored me saying what I'd be willing to do (i.e. games or, maybe, interesting algorithms, but they'd have to talk me into the latter.)

So I might go somewhere else.

Dunno where yet though.

I suppose I could segue into a third topic, but I'm too lazy.
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